Police investigating mysterious disappearance of Padres President/CEO Tom Garfinkel

"One day, they announce his resignation, and the next, he's gone - poof."

Was struggling exec sacrificed to the baseball gods?

"Look," said Padres Executive Chairman Ron Fowler, who took over Garfinkel's post as interim President, "Garfinkel's demise, er, departure was always part of the pact, er, plan. I grant that the timing is a little bit unusual, here in midseason, but then, losing 10 games in a row is a little bit unusual as well. Or at least, it should be. Hopefully, the move will be sufficient to appease, er, dispel the forces that seem to be aligned against us. The late, er, former President is resting in peace - peacefully! - with his family in paradise. And by paradise, I mean Hawaii. Yes. Hawaii."

Fowler declined to take any questions, but took time to note that a fire had been kindled the night before at the foot of the Tony Gwynn statue at Petco Park. "We've roped off the area, and we do ask that everyone keep well clear of the statue. The ashes are apparently toxic, and should in no way be removed to a laboratory for any kind of testing. We clean up our own messes here at Petco, yes we do. That's the way Garfinkel always wanted it. Yes, it smells bad over there - like singed hair and brimstone, right. But just remember how badly we were stinking up the joint before this."

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by Walter Mencken


Brilliant, as usual. Although honestly, this is as good of an explanation as any. Padres management has NOT been forthcoming (no surprise there, my calls went unanswered), and tendering a resignation on July 9th, on social media day, and no less on TACO TUESDAY leads one to believe that this was not, in fact, part of normal "ownership transition".

Yeah, check your taco meat for jewelry or teeth. Thanks for the kind word!

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