South Park Cat Tales: The Red Rover (#3)

October 20th, 2009 A.D.C.

I'm an easy-going cat, not too finicky a feline.

(Poster's Note: Ahem.)

Now, I know Two Legs will disagree but he's only human. I forgive him.

(Poster's Note: Sigh.)

But there is a very distinct difference between what I require and what I desire. In fact, the list for what I desire really depends on my mood. For example, there are times where this box just isn't big enough for Two Legs and I. I need to get out and run and smell whatever I smell outside of the window. But there are times where there is no better place than here. The list of requirements goes like this, and in no cat-ticular order:

Food and water, sleep, a clean litter box, attention, cat nip, the red thing that zips along the floor and walls and is terribly elusive.

See? That's not much.

(Poster's Note: Wait. The red thing that- oh! She means the laser pointer. She loves that thing.)

The food and water for obvious reasons, as well as the clean litter box. The sleep because you humans seem to think only a third of the day sleeping is enough but you couldn't be any more wrong. The attention because, well, I deserve it. The cat nip because right up there with purring, there is no better high. But what I want to talk about is that red dot, that sneaky little bastard.

Now, I don't know if you Uprighters-

(Poster's Note: By the way, I submitted the word "uprighter" to UrbanDictionary.com but the "editors" rejected it. Apparently http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=cold%20jerky" rel="nofollow">cold jerky and http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Uncle%20Grubby%27s%20Special" rel="nofollow">Uncle Grubby's Special are more what they're looking for.)

-have anything that completely grabs you by the instinct and nothing, and I mean nothing, can get it to let go but that's what this is like. I have learned over the years that I can never actually catch it, as I only get a mouth-full of the carpet or wall, but the thrill is definitely not gone.

When Alo was around, the competition to catch the red bastard was fierce. He was a good bit bigger than me so I usually got out of his way but the times I didn't I regretted. Though a cat his size gets tired quicker so while he would catch his breath, Two Legs and I would keep my hunting skills intact, just him and I.

Now, I know why Two Legs only plays at certain times in the day. It's because he knows it tires me out and I won't bother him in the middle of the night. I'll be sleeping. So I'll just let him keep on believing that.

(Poster's Note: Wait. What?)

Sure, it really does tire me out and sometimes it can make me sleepy enough to sleep for a little while but I usually just take a me-nap and then I'm ready to go again. So I scream, "Hello?" in a very exaggerated tone so Two Legs knows that not only do I know he's in the other room but that I'm also not acknowledging his presence because he is not acknowledging mine by going to sleep. Over time I have learned that screaming all night gets me nothing more than a sore throat so now I just play loudly with every single toy available, those stupid fake mice included.

But really, all I want is to catch the red dot. It is very quick and agile. If it had fur and whiskers I might think it was one of me. I mean, not as fantastic as me of course but you know what I'm meowing about.

And now, a very wise quote:

"After scolding one's cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference." ~~Charlotte Gray


Ah, I see that you are an "action cat," Stella. The cat who enslaves me is not one such as you. Olivia is more of the "casual cat" variety.

We have a red bastard in this apartment as well. Olivia prefers to study it. Like a great chess champion who sees many moves ahead, she contemplates the red bastard, analyzing its variances in trajectory and velocity.

One day she WILL crack the code. And then, the insolent red bastard will rue the day it dared to trespass in her abode.

Oh yes, it shall come to pass.

P.S. Totally sucks about the "Uprighters" thing. Editors. Phffft! What do they know? Useless as the nipples on Two Legs, they are.

(I'd still love to read your definition, Stella.)


Okay, Stella's entry is terrific as usual, but AG's response is pretty good too!

I do have a question for Stella:

Did you ask Two Legs if that avatar made your butt look big?

+10 for Adam and Stella once again. Frikkin' brilliant!

Hey. Leave my nips outta this. They didn't choose to be there.

Plus, Adam has functional nipples so AG's comment was undeserved...

Re: CFish's question for Stella.

Stella's reply (after I had to explain what an avatar was): My butt really does look- sigh. Humans... can't live with 'em, but I have no thumbs. My butt really isn't that big. Just a horrible angle. No worries, though. I'll rectify this.

My reply: Thanks, CF.

Ah, I see Stella is a believer of Maslow's hierarchy:

     List in cat-ticular order: (importance from L to R)

First Tier: Food and water, sleep, attention (Two Legs)

Second Tier: red elusive dot thing (Two Legs to help)

Third Tier: clean litter box cat nip

Is the above right? I want to hear more on Stella's theory of basic cat-ivation.

Don't get me wrong, Stella. I love the picture. But I had a feeling Two Legs had never considered your feelings in the matter.

Re: #8

While Two Legs is in his own litterbox under the water spout taking his own bath, I will reply to this.

I searched the World Wide Web and found this Maslow and his theory on basic needs. Unfortunately, while it seems accurate for an uprighter, it is not accurate for felines. You see, we don't meow to ourselves, "Well, if I don't have that, at least I have this." Our lives are built around spontaneity. Yes, we do have basic needs which I outlined above. We just like to make sure our habits aren't changed. Everything else in between is a treat on a bed of catnip. Oh, and did it ever occur to you that maybe this Maslow plagiarized my works which, by the way, no publication company will put in print because they require a signature and a paw print isn't enough? First plagiarized, then held down by the hu-Man.

Re: #9

I pulled Two Legs aside and sternly informed him I have a reputation to uphold. I asked him where other pictures are. He showed me. I chose a new picture. Silly uprighter.

Brilliant! Stella, you are too clever!!!

Oh I suspected Maslow lifted his hierarchy from somekittyelse's paws.

Maybe Stella could--when she feels like it, of course--elucidate her theory of cat-ivation for other cats who live in boxes with their Two Legs?

Mica needs a little schooling, and a little more discipline. A cat credo might help him develop some principles to live by, and figure out exactly how and when he is going to get over the delusion that Two Gams (SD)likes it when he greets her rolling on the floor, ready to wrestle and bite. Maybe can can replace biting with another object or cativity of cativation.

Held down by the hu-Man? Somekittyelse? This blog may reinvent the English language all by itself.

SD, can't believe you don't like the condescending greeting roll that cats do when you arrive home. Displaying the belly like that and looking all submissive is one of their most charming deceptions.

Of course, yours puts too fine a point on the irony of it by biting you immediately after, apparently. I think it's a boy thing. Simba used to do that.

In fact, Simba thought it was the funniest thing in the world to stalk my big toe whenever I was silly enough to have naked feet and not pay attention. He'd pounce, bite it, and run like hell to the back of the house.

Now, keep in mind, this was a 23-pound, one-of-a-kind Maine Coon/Siamese mix. He was a handful. Very sweet and cuddly, but with an attitude. He was absolutely gorgeous, and absolutely knew it. He never met someone who didn't make a fuss over him, and it went to his furry little head. The haughtiness of his posing was pretty funny, actually. Large and in charge until the day he died, still 18 pounds of skin and bone.

When he was younger, he would bite when playing and when being petted. Blowing air in his face cured him of this. They hate that. That and the water bottle.

Olivia is not a biter. She is a sweet little thing who would never dream of such barbaric behavior.

"Bite? But why? Two Cankles is not food. Two Cankles GIVES food. Biting the food dispenser that feeds you is not WiseCat."


"Bite? But why? Two Cankles is not food. Two Cankles GIVES food. Biting the food dispenser that feeds you is not WiseCat."

LOLOLOLOLOL Well dang it, AG, you must know something I don't know! My cats bite and scratch the heck out of me and STILL expect me to feed them!!! Actually, I think it's what you said first, that your Olivia is a sweetie. My cats could get parts in an Exorcist remake.

To Pike's post: RIP, Snowball, he was well loved, bless his paws.

"SD, can't believe you don't like the condescending greeting roll that cats do when you arrive home. Displaying the belly like that and looking all submissive is one of their most charming deceptions."

The roll at the door greeting is lovely, and I love everything he does. It is just the biting I abhor! Mica was just biting me as we tried to have a family meeting sitting on the bed, so I had to punish him by wrapping his head in a multi-color scarf, and doing "babushka" skits. :)

"Biting the food dispenser that feeds you is not WiseCat.""

Exactly. Just between us (and the city of San Diego), folks, Mica is not exactly the brightest boy on the block. Shhh.

I have started the blowing at his face trick, AG. The water bottle spray (they always figure out it is NOT from god) just alienates, in my experience.

"23-pound, one-of-a-kind Maine Coon/Siamese mix. He was a handful."

Simba was more than a handful--an armful at least! What a love.

re: #13: I feel like we should write this Patty, and give her some words of encouragement. Though I forced Mica to do babushka skits, I would not try to make him wear these hats, though.

Any other takers here?

So you are going to take the box? We should have a cat hat party, then. Something tells me nan might be into this idea, too :)

Oh sorry, misunderstood! I thought you wanted us to contact the owner to offer her some words of encouragement on her poor little cat, Snowball. Since I know nothing about Craigslist I was waiting for you to lead the project.

As far as I can tell, the cat hats are an old ad, pulled out of the Craigslist "Best Of" archive. There's not even any contact info for the person, unless I missed something.

I meant both, actually :) But looks like we can't write with sympathy, or get the box. Mica will have to continue to take his head-scarf wrapping punishments, then :)

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