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Get thee to thy Reddit conspiracy theorizing!

Is this how the zombie apocalypse starts?

Robots don’t get sick.
  • Robots don’t get sick.

Dear Hipster:

I hate to dwell on it, because it seems like it’s all anybody can talk about lately, but every answer I get on this whole “social distancing” thing raises ten more questions. Should we be stockpiling masks? Will Vons ever have potatoes again? Is this how the zombie apocalypse starts? There may not be answers to these questions. All I really care about now is, when can I go back to my normal life?

— K.W.

Normal life, schmormal life. By the time anybody reads this, who knows what will be normal anymore? Not I. A couple weeks ago I was all, “Yeah, sure, go out to restaurants and don’t stress!” Oops. But let’s assume the panic subsides to a manageable level and people stop making awkward coronavirus jokes on social media. Even a terrifying global pandemic can have an upside if you look at it the right way. I like to imagine the following exchange telepathically took place somewhere on (in?) the astral plane:

Hipsters Like Me: “Damn, I really want to sit around and binge Star Trek: the Next Generation on Netflix, but I can’t because I have such an active social calendar.”

The CDC: “Yeah, about that.…”

Welcome to the first plague (not actually a plague) in history tailor-made for introverted Millennials itching for an excuse to stay in! The universe is telling us to partake of the weird, solitary activities we’ve been putting off. Did you notice Westworld comes back mere days after the government tells us to hide in our homes. Coincidence? I think not! Get thee to thy Reddit conspiracy theorizing, people.

Maybe you’ll finally get around to (ironically) reading that copy of Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter you bought for a nickel at a thrift shop 38 months ago. Been thinking about doing a jigsaw puzzle, but you were too busy cultivating an exaggerated online image of your life for the sake of Instagram likes? Now that it’s too vulgar to be #blessed about anything (because, you know, people are dying), non-photogenic activities can once again take center stage. Time to live that #shutinlife.

Dear Hipster:

The recent rainy weather has given me the gift of lawn this year, yet I know my landscape lives on borrowed time. The rains will stop, and, because I do not care to pay exorbitant bills, my gorgeous patch of lawn will die and turn to dust until next winter. Perhaps this is the year I say “no” to the God of Lawn Death. Would it be more cool and hipster to replace the lawn with decomposed granite and the drought tolerant plants that are en vogue ever since the drought years, or should I go full “cheek” and annoy my neighbors with something like a hot pink artificial turf?

— Bernie

The installation of drought tolerant plants scores high marks in the “socially conscious” category, and also rejects the mainstream vision of a green, manicured lawn, which are both pleasing qualifications. HOWEVER, I have never seen a hot pink artificial turf lawn, and, now that you have placed this tantalizingly ironic vision in my mind, I believe my life will remain incomplete until I have the opportunity to see such a marvel of modern urban hipsterness with my own two eyes. Please send photos, if you really have the cheek to follow through on this.

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