Dear Hipster: What’s the most hipster thing you have done recently? What’s the most hipster thing you have ever done? What’s the most hipster thing you can possibly conceive of doing but have not yet done? I guess that last one would be, what’s at the top of your hipster bucket list? — Robert
Question: What do you get when you combine six full-grown adult Americans, a dozen artisan donuts, Bloody Marys, mimosas, five straight hours of Stranger Things, and all the coffee and pancakes you can swallow?
Answer: My Stranger Things opening weekend hipster binge spectacular, aka the most hipster thing I, or just about anyone, have recently accomplished.
As you might guess, I pretty much do the hipsterest stuff imaginable every day of my life. In fact, just this afternoon — during a craft-beer-fueled creative rampage — I composed a minimalist modern novel on my Underwood typewriter while listening to the same Arcade Fire song on repeat. The line between genius and stereotype is just so thin. The mere fact of my birth may be the hipsterest thing I have ever done or has ever been done. Despite it all, I helped my dad popularize social media in the mid ’90s, before it was cool, and that was pretty goddamned hipster, if I do say so myself.
The idea of a hipster bucket list intrigues me, but I won’t fall for it because it’s a contradiction in terms. One cannot aspire to hipster achievements because trying to hipster makes one unhip. Being truly hipster is like being in a Yakov Smirnoff joke — hipster achievements aspire to you!