The hipster was inside you the whole time

Seven solutions

Swallow all the pills — because you don’t give a @$%^
  • Swallow all the pills — because you don’t give a @$%^
  • Image by Eduard Lysenko

Dear Hipster:

You’re in a lightless, windowless, doorless room with four pills; two red, two blue. Take one of each, and you will attain hipster immortality. Everything cool will be old news to you before anyone else has even heard about it, and people will think that you invented kalettes and cold brew coffee. Taking any other combination of pills will banish you to an alternate reality where you can only drink Folgers coffee and you have to listen to the Kings of Leon and Nickelback all day, every day, plus you die horribly. What do you do?

— Morpheus

Clearly, I already solved that one; or perhaps I never needed to in the first place. Nevertheless, there are at least seven solutions to the riddle:

(1) Chew all the pills up into a formless mass of medicine-flavored nastiness. Expectorate precisely half, leaving behind a cohesive 50/50 red-blue mixture. Swallow.

(2) Compose thirteen understated indie rock tunes, each of which explores a different facet of the impossible situation faced by the modern citizen forced to choose between his life, his freedom, and the irresistible lure of infinite cool. Nobody will appreciate it in your time, but later, once the proverbial smoke clears, people are going to look at it and say, “Whoa. He was really ahead of his time, man.” Stab yourself in the heart from the pain of it all.

(3) Meh.

(4) ???

(5) Profit!

(6) Swallow all the pills because you don’t give a @$%^ and there will (probably) be at least one moment of transcendent genius in anticipation of the horrible dying.

(7) Realize that the hipster was inside you the whole time. Ascend to glory on a moonbeam.

Again, there could be more solutions. Your results and mileage may vary. Some terms and conditions apply. Lather, rinse, repeat, innovate, duplicate, disregard. Not available in all regions.

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