Anchor ads are not supported on this page.

4S Ranch Allied Gardens Alpine Baja Balboa Park Bankers Hill Barrio Logan Bay Ho Bay Park Black Mountain Ranch Blossom Valley Bonita Bonsall Borrego Springs Boulevard Campo Cardiff-by-the-Sea Carlsbad Carmel Mountain Carmel Valley Chollas View Chula Vista City College City Heights Clairemont College Area Coronado CSU San Marcos Cuyamaca College Del Cerro Del Mar Descanso Downtown San Diego Eastlake East Village El Cajon Emerald Hills Encanto Encinitas Escondido Fallbrook Fletcher Hills Golden Hill Grant Hill Grantville Grossmont College Guatay Harbor Island Hillcrest Imperial Beach Imperial Valley Jacumba Jamacha-Lomita Jamul Julian Kearny Mesa Kensington La Jolla Lakeside La Mesa Lemon Grove Leucadia Liberty Station Lincoln Acres Lincoln Park Linda Vista Little Italy Logan Heights Mesa College Midway District MiraCosta College Miramar Miramar College Mira Mesa Mission Beach Mission Hills Mission Valley Mountain View Mount Hope Mount Laguna National City Nestor Normal Heights North Park Oak Park Ocean Beach Oceanside Old Town Otay Mesa Pacific Beach Pala Palomar College Palomar Mountain Paradise Hills Pauma Valley Pine Valley Point Loma Point Loma Nazarene Potrero Poway Rainbow Ramona Rancho Bernardo Rancho Penasquitos Rancho San Diego Rancho Santa Fe Rolando San Carlos San Marcos San Onofre Santa Ysabel Santee San Ysidro Scripps Ranch SDSU Serra Mesa Shelltown Shelter Island Sherman Heights Skyline Solana Beach Sorrento Valley Southcrest South Park Southwestern College Spring Valley Stockton Talmadge Temecula Tierrasanta Tijuana UCSD University City University Heights USD Valencia Park Valley Center Vista Warner Springs

The hippest things on Earth

Pink fairy armadillos almost make the cut

Hi-C juiceboxes are vanishing from shelves
Hi-C juiceboxes are vanishing from shelves

Dear Hipster:
Where in the human body is hipsterness most strongly concentrated?
— Jeff, Lemon Grove

This may come as something of a shock, but contemporary hipster scientists have isolated the human tonsil as the probable source of hipsterol, a little-known hormone. Despite limited funding, researchers at the Johannes Fingerstache Institution of Nonmainstream Sciences have linked natural hipsterol to an increase in ironic detachment from conventional social mores. Till the 1970s, surgical removal of inflamed tonsils was a mainstay in pediatric practice. Since then, tonsillectomy has waned in popularity to such a degree that those born toward the end of the 20th Century constitute the most entonsilled group in history! Victims of unnecessary tonsillectomies in the ’60s and ’70s grew up to be savage Gen X-ers, who (generally speaking) take things way too literally for their own good. Children born during the ’80s and ’90s kept their tonsils, and as a consequence of soaring hipsterol levels in American twentysomethings during the early 2000s, the hipster age was born. Then again, you can correlate anything if you try hard enough.

Sponsored
Sponsored

Dear Hipster:
What is the hippest creature in the animal kingdom?
— Dave M.

Contrary to popular belief, it’s neither the rhyminocerous nor the hip-hop-apotamus. Cats may be the internet’s darling, but they’re far too mainstream. Parrots have an annoying ability to overhear something incredibly specific and repeat it ad infinitum and out of context till it’s totally stripped of meaning, but I don’t see how that could possibly apply to hipsters. Honeybadgers are so 2011 it’s not even funny anymore.

Pink fairy armadillos look like somebody designed an animal with only “Wouldn’t it be funny if…” as a guiding principle, which is as hipster as it gets. The animal itself appears to have little regard for its own ironic configuration, which violates the basic hipster principle of being able to say, “I know, right?” whenever somebody points out how something you’re doing is stupid.

The more I think about it, the more I’m convinced that animals can’t really be hipsters. They’re too...earnest. When they’re not busy fighting for their lives, they sleep to conserve energy. Sometimes they breed, which they appear to do without passion. Animals don’t disparage domestic beer, and, as far as I know, they don’t care about Mumford and Sons or Wes Anderson movies.

Putting it that way, animals are basically indistinguishable from middle- and working-class Americans as portrayed on mainstream television shows. It just goes to show you probably shouldn’t be watching so much TV.

DJ:
Is it more hipster to ironically embrace the terrible Fall Out Boy Ghostbusters theme song or to insist that The real Ghostbusters is actually the franchise’s strongest offering?
— Samantha (Ain’t Afraid of No Ghost)

I’d love to ponder this vexing question over a frosty cool can of Hi-C Ecto Cooler, but the re-issued slime-green sugarwater of my hipster childhood has actually sold out on Amazon. It’s a good thing we don’t actually buy things in stores anymore. I’d hate to read that “Mom of Three Trampled to Death during Ecto Cooler Rampage at Local Walmart” headline.

Both your options ought to irritate the crap out of just about anybody...at least, anybody who takes this kind of thing way too seriously.

Here's something you might be interested in.
Submit a free classified
or view all
Previous article

Nation’s sexy soldiers stage protest at Pendleton in wake of change in Marine uniform policy

Semper WHY?
Next Article

Flowering pear trees in Kensington not that nice

Empty dirt plots in front of Ken Cinema
Hi-C juiceboxes are vanishing from shelves
Hi-C juiceboxes are vanishing from shelves

Dear Hipster:
Where in the human body is hipsterness most strongly concentrated?
— Jeff, Lemon Grove

This may come as something of a shock, but contemporary hipster scientists have isolated the human tonsil as the probable source of hipsterol, a little-known hormone. Despite limited funding, researchers at the Johannes Fingerstache Institution of Nonmainstream Sciences have linked natural hipsterol to an increase in ironic detachment from conventional social mores. Till the 1970s, surgical removal of inflamed tonsils was a mainstay in pediatric practice. Since then, tonsillectomy has waned in popularity to such a degree that those born toward the end of the 20th Century constitute the most entonsilled group in history! Victims of unnecessary tonsillectomies in the ’60s and ’70s grew up to be savage Gen X-ers, who (generally speaking) take things way too literally for their own good. Children born during the ’80s and ’90s kept their tonsils, and as a consequence of soaring hipsterol levels in American twentysomethings during the early 2000s, the hipster age was born. Then again, you can correlate anything if you try hard enough.

Sponsored
Sponsored

Dear Hipster:
What is the hippest creature in the animal kingdom?
— Dave M.

Contrary to popular belief, it’s neither the rhyminocerous nor the hip-hop-apotamus. Cats may be the internet’s darling, but they’re far too mainstream. Parrots have an annoying ability to overhear something incredibly specific and repeat it ad infinitum and out of context till it’s totally stripped of meaning, but I don’t see how that could possibly apply to hipsters. Honeybadgers are so 2011 it’s not even funny anymore.

Pink fairy armadillos look like somebody designed an animal with only “Wouldn’t it be funny if…” as a guiding principle, which is as hipster as it gets. The animal itself appears to have little regard for its own ironic configuration, which violates the basic hipster principle of being able to say, “I know, right?” whenever somebody points out how something you’re doing is stupid.

The more I think about it, the more I’m convinced that animals can’t really be hipsters. They’re too...earnest. When they’re not busy fighting for their lives, they sleep to conserve energy. Sometimes they breed, which they appear to do without passion. Animals don’t disparage domestic beer, and, as far as I know, they don’t care about Mumford and Sons or Wes Anderson movies.

Putting it that way, animals are basically indistinguishable from middle- and working-class Americans as portrayed on mainstream television shows. It just goes to show you probably shouldn’t be watching so much TV.

DJ:
Is it more hipster to ironically embrace the terrible Fall Out Boy Ghostbusters theme song or to insist that The real Ghostbusters is actually the franchise’s strongest offering?
— Samantha (Ain’t Afraid of No Ghost)

I’d love to ponder this vexing question over a frosty cool can of Hi-C Ecto Cooler, but the re-issued slime-green sugarwater of my hipster childhood has actually sold out on Amazon. It’s a good thing we don’t actually buy things in stores anymore. I’d hate to read that “Mom of Three Trampled to Death during Ecto Cooler Rampage at Local Walmart” headline.

Both your options ought to irritate the crap out of just about anybody...at least, anybody who takes this kind of thing way too seriously.

Comments
Sponsored
Here's something you might be interested in.
Submit a free classified
or view all
Previous article

San Diego Reader 2024 Music & Arts Issue

Favorite fakers: Baby Bushka, Fleetwood Max, Electric Waste Band, Oceans, Geezer – plus upcoming tribute schedule
Next Article

2024 continues to impress with yellowfin much closer to San Diego than they should be

New rockfish regulations coming this week as opener approaches
Comments
Ask a Hipster — Advice you didn't know you needed Big Screen — Movie commentary Blurt — Music's inside track Booze News — San Diego spirits Classical Music — Immortal beauty Classifieds — Free and easy Cover Stories — Front-page features Drinks All Around — Bartenders' drink recipes Excerpts — Literary and spiritual excerpts Feast! — Food & drink reviews Feature Stories — Local news & stories Fishing Report — What’s getting hooked from ship and shore From the Archives — Spotlight on the past Golden Dreams — Talk of the town The Gonzo Report — Making the musical scene, or at least reporting from it Letters — Our inbox Movies@Home — Local movie buffs share favorites Movie Reviews — Our critics' picks and pans Musician Interviews — Up close with local artists Neighborhood News from Stringers — Hyperlocal news News Ticker — News & politics Obermeyer — San Diego politics illustrated Outdoors — Weekly changes in flora and fauna Overheard in San Diego — Eavesdropping illustrated Poetry — The old and the new Reader Travel — Travel section built by travelers Reading — The hunt for intellectuals Roam-O-Rama — SoCal's best hiking/biking trails San Diego Beer — Inside San Diego suds SD on the QT — Almost factual news Sheep and Goats — Places of worship Special Issues — The best of Street Style — San Diego streets have style Surf Diego — Real stories from those braving the waves Theater — On stage in San Diego this week Tin Fork — Silver spoon alternative Under the Radar — Matt Potter's undercover work Unforgettable — Long-ago San Diego Unreal Estate — San Diego's priciest pads Your Week — Daily event picks
4S Ranch Allied Gardens Alpine Baja Balboa Park Bankers Hill Barrio Logan Bay Ho Bay Park Black Mountain Ranch Blossom Valley Bonita Bonsall Borrego Springs Boulevard Campo Cardiff-by-the-Sea Carlsbad Carmel Mountain Carmel Valley Chollas View Chula Vista City College City Heights Clairemont College Area Coronado CSU San Marcos Cuyamaca College Del Cerro Del Mar Descanso Downtown San Diego Eastlake East Village El Cajon Emerald Hills Encanto Encinitas Escondido Fallbrook Fletcher Hills Golden Hill Grant Hill Grantville Grossmont College Guatay Harbor Island Hillcrest Imperial Beach Imperial Valley Jacumba Jamacha-Lomita Jamul Julian Kearny Mesa Kensington La Jolla Lakeside La Mesa Lemon Grove Leucadia Liberty Station Lincoln Acres Lincoln Park Linda Vista Little Italy Logan Heights Mesa College Midway District MiraCosta College Miramar Miramar College Mira Mesa Mission Beach Mission Hills Mission Valley Mountain View Mount Hope Mount Laguna National City Nestor Normal Heights North Park Oak Park Ocean Beach Oceanside Old Town Otay Mesa Pacific Beach Pala Palomar College Palomar Mountain Paradise Hills Pauma Valley Pine Valley Point Loma Point Loma Nazarene Potrero Poway Rainbow Ramona Rancho Bernardo Rancho Penasquitos Rancho San Diego Rancho Santa Fe Rolando San Carlos San Marcos San Onofre Santa Ysabel Santee San Ysidro Scripps Ranch SDSU Serra Mesa Shelltown Shelter Island Sherman Heights Skyline Solana Beach Sorrento Valley Southcrest South Park Southwestern College Spring Valley Stockton Talmadge Temecula Tierrasanta Tijuana UCSD University City University Heights USD Valencia Park Valley Center Vista Warner Springs
Close

Anchor ads are not supported on this page.