MOURNING FOR THE FUTURE OF HIS PARTY AND HIS COUNTRY, 30 FEET BELOW GROUND — “Looking back,” says Mitt Romney from within the security of the concrete bunker underneath his palatial La Jolla home, “it’s easy to see my decision to get back in the ring against Donald Trump as a mistake. I’ve been away from both politics and boxing for a while now, and my jab isn’t what it used to be. But somebody had to do something, and I thought maybe I had a better shot than most."
Romney winces and rubs his jaw, which is still swollen and bruised. “Obviously, the speech I gave before Super Tuesday wasn’t enough. I warned the American people that founding father John Adams wrote that 'there never was a democracy yet that did not commit suicide,’ and that we’d only lasted this long because great men rose up to defend something greater than themselves. And Donald Trump does not believe that something greater than himself even exists. I warned them that Trump was a self-involved, delusional man-child who would take America into the toilet and probably goad some foreign power into lobbing a grenade in after us. And the American people shrugged and voted for him. Clearly, they weren’t interested in listening to reason, because hey, who doesn’t like to see a toilet explode? It’s a good show. So I thought I’d hit ‘em where they live — by hitting Donald Trump in the ring, in front of a national audience.
“Of course, I should have known better. You lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas. You climb in the ring with a greasy carnival barker, you become part of the spectacle, no matter how much discipline and heart you bring to the fight. And while I love the sweet science, there’s a brutality and a showmanship to boxing that Trump just understands in his considerable gut. And people respond to that.”