MARVELING AT THE WONDERS OF GOD'S CREATION, CHARGERS STADIUM — Ever since San Diego Chargers tight end Antonio Gates let slip to reporters that Jesus-loving quarterback Philip Rivers has been playing through the pain of a "severe rib injury" this season, true powder-blue believers have been raising their eyes to heaven and asking, Why?
"I know the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away," said season ticket-holder Mike Biergutt, "but after a while, whiplash starts to set in, you know? That awful opening loss, followed by those amazing five wins, followed by three straight losses, including that heartbreaker with Kansas City and that shellacking from the Dolphins. At this point, beating Oakland 13-6 is like eating a dry cracker in a hot desert, you know?"
But at this week's Wednesday night Bible Study, Mild McFearsome, lead pastor at The Rocket Church in Santee, offered a possible answer to the suffering throng, pulled right from the pages of Genesis: "But for Adam, no suitable helper was found. So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and then closed up the place with flesh. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man."
"Brothers and sisters," explained McFearsome in a videoclip that has already picked up 1.2 million views on YouTube, "please consider. This season, fully half of this year's Chargers Girls are first-year. Brand new. The old order has passed away, with its stale routines and unprofitable commandments to 'Get up or go home!' The old Charger Girls understood the letter of the cheers, but not the spirit. But these new Charger Girls shall make a formation that is pleasing to the Lord, and when they bend their waists in homage, their cries shall be heard. But whence came these new women? And why is our quarterback afflicted? We know that Philip Rivers is a righteous man, bolt upright before the Lord, standing strong in the pocket though the o-line collapses around him. Is it not possible that the Lord took one of Rivers' ribs, and fashioned these most pleasing creatures from it, as once he fashioned Eve?"
As of this writing, Rivers' representatives had yet to respond, but God himself was quick to deny any involvement. "As a rule, I stay out of professional sports," He said in a prepared statement. "I never know what to do with all the competing prayers. So I would never monkey with a quarterback's mechanics, especially not a good guy like Phil. Tom Brady, I might be tempted. Guy walks around like he made himself that handsome. All that said, you might wanna think about going with New England come December 14."