Tipsy and Talkative

I get invited to a number of pub-crawls. I’m not a beer drinker and usually pass. But a guy named Steve, who logged on to the Reader website once to comment on a party, informed me of one he was having. Because it was a fundraiser for the Special Olympics, I thought that would be a special event to attend.

It was late in the afternoon when I glanced at my calendar and checked out the parties for that evening. It turned out this pub-crawl started earlier in the day. I immediately headed out, but it was already an hour after they hit the last pub in P.B.

As I walked into the bar, I heard some young people say to the bouncer, “This ID should be good. I just made it yesterday.” Their comment didn’t bother the bouncer, but I heard him get angry later because there were boxes of shirts sitting by the door.

Steve had made the shirts, and lots of people were wearing them. They read, “Let’s get silly,” with a graphic of a smiley face that had its tongue sticking out. Twenty dollars bought a shirt and a card that got you free drinks and drink specials.

Steve told me a little about his “Stay Classy” social-networking web page, which raises money for the Special Olympics. I found out he coached a Special Olympics basketball team in East County. I had coached youth basketball years ago and decided I’d get involved. He gave me all the info on becoming a coach for the organization.

I asked who some of the sponsors were and was told, “Plum Crazy and Hooters are big ones. We’ve already raised $1200 just today from the drunk idiots alone. Other people saw what we were doing and gave random donations. We even picked up 30 people along the way that joined the crawl.”

There really wasn’t anyone drunk, but a lot of people were tipsy and talkative.

I met a cute young couple. Both were engineers, and they told me of their recent engagement. The blonde’s dad was there, and I asked him how often he gets told he looks like Paul McCartney. He replied, “Oh, it happens a lot…more so when I had longer hair. People will sometimes stop and want to take a picture with me. I say that I’m not Paul, and they don’t care. At the Tool concert, some girl came up and asked, ‘Are you him?’ At first, I didn’t even know what she was talking about. But we’re from Tucson, which is where Linda [McCartney] is from.” I asked if he’s ever met McCartney, and he told me no but added, “My friend is the road manager for Santana.”

I met a guy they called Wolverine. He could open beer bottles with his teeth. It took a while for me to get a demonstration because the bar only offered cans and beers on tap. It was impressive, but I said, “I’m guessing four out of five dentists recommend you use a bottle opener.”

As I left for my next party, I noticed a woman fell into a trash can. Someone asked, “Did she mean to do that? It broke her fall.”

I didn’t have far to go down Garnet to Denise’s place for a party. Nick, who had a sushi party I attended previously, was again providing lots of raw fish. This was a celebration for friends who were getting married.

I walked up and saw Nick holding court with a group of girls near the garage. I talked with him briefly but felt as if I was hurting his game. I went inside to check things out.

I noticed Denise, a tall attractive blonde, doing a wonderful job of mingling and introducing people to other guests that didn’t know each other. I overheard her say, “This is like a hybrid between a keg party and a cocktail party in the early ‘70s.”

Most of Nick’s sushi had been snatched up, which was fine. I don’t eat the stuff.

The place was decorated nicely, with candles in the fireplace. One table had every type of bottle imaginable.

A few people started to limbo — even a tall woman in heels. At one point, three at a time made it under the stick.

I overheard someone say, “See that midget over there? I bet he could make it under that thing without even ducking.” His girlfriend said, “They aren’t called midgets.” He laughed and said, “Okay, okay. Vertically challenged, short, whatever. I’m sorry. Being PC isn’t my thing. I talked to the guy. He’s really cool and nice. I don’t think he’d mind me calling him a midget.”

One guy observed, “The girls seem better at bending than the guys. Is it something with their hips?” A woman who heard this replied, “You just have to have the will to win.”

Somehow this led into a conversation about a marathon that someone completed in five hours. A guest nearby said, “How many miles is a marathon? It’s over 25, right?”

A few people drove down from San Francisco; a couple came from L.A.

An Asian guy showed up with Church’s chicken, and I overheard someone say, “I would’ve thought you’d be happy with the sushi.”

Another Asian guy was on the couch, listening to an attractive (but drunk) blonde babble on about something that made little sense. He went from listening intently to making faces when she wasn’t looking.

We talked to him later and found out he went to college in Canada, and he had a great sense of humor. Most people I’ve met from Canada are funny.

A tall guy talked about collecting Volkswagen bugs. I thought that sounded odd because all the years basically look the same. It was interesting listening to his take on old cars.

There was a tall, attractive, black woman who I believe said she was from Haiti. She had a cute French accent. We talked about her brother in New York, her college days, and lots about film.

There was a DJ spinning records between the table of sushi and table of booze. He wasn’t so loud that we couldn’t have conversations.

My girlfriend went into the kitchen to look for a cup and came back saying there was a lot of craziness in there. I asked her what, and she replied, “I saw bodies being lifted up. And then I saw some clothes going up in the air. It was packed. I just turned around and walked back out. I think most of them were really drunk.”

About 15 minutes later, we decided to leave. Nick was by the garage, now with a different group of girls.

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Josh? Learn to work a video camera or put the f***in' thing in the closet to collect dust.


Thank you.

No drinking beer or sushi? Dude...really?

Yeah, well...I have the palate of a 10-year-old.

"His mouth was all over my long neck" hahaha!!! No way you just said that, Josh. I love it!! ;-)

And you don't do sushi. I am not surprised, KP.

Hey Josh it's Denise!

Thanks for the article! Some pretty funny stuff there. I think the girl on the couch was Lisa, who is also in the picture. That is a weird looking pic of me :( I look squatty.

We're going to throw another party soon. Let me know if you have any good themes... I'm sure you've been to more parties than most.

Thanks again Josh!

Hey Denise, I'm convinced you think EVERY picture of you looks bad. I remember you wouldn't let me video you either.

Lots of great themes. But, you don't want to pick one like Super heroes, since you will only get a 25% participation rate. You'll get the guy with green and a ripped shirt who is Hulk, a Superman, a Clark Kent, and a Wonder Woman. And maybe one or two people that create their own crazy super heroe character. After that, nobody else will be dressed up.

People have done 80s themes, 60s, 50s, white trash, togo (did anyone ever do these before Animal House came out?)....

If you want more ideas, email me directly.

Great party.

Admit it, JB, your girlfriend wrote this article, didn't she? If not, she's having a negative influence on your writing. I don't mean that to dis her (or you), but it's definitely not the Josh Board "voice" I'm used to. By negative, I mean it sounds more like something a chick would say (ex: "we met this cute couple"), rather than something a guy would say. There's nothing wrong with being a chick - I prefer them, actually. Call me old fashioned, but a manly man like you should sound like a manly man, not a chick. End of the Hemingway-esque lecture on gender roles. ;o)


why? why can't josh say that he met a cute couple? seems to me, and i obviously can't answer for him, that he is comfortable enough within himself to say he met a cute couple. it doesn't surprise me at all. :)

hey bluenwhite...where have you been? Haven't seen ya around here in a long time.

You know what's funny? There was a party a few years back, and I wrote that there was this really good looking guy, and a few of my friends called and asked if I was turning gay on them. And I said "Why? Because I was describing a guy at a party? That's what I do. I describe things I see." One of them responded with "Okay, that's fine. Why describe the guy as good looking?" I said that he was, and the ribbing never really ended. I guess I figure...if I'm saying a woman is hot, or someone is pudgy, another person is tall...I'm describing what people look like merely to put a visual in the readers head.

I think the woman of the "cute couple" is one of the blondes shown in the picture. If memory serves.

(and hey...to keep my "manly" cred, I did write about a guy opening a beer bottle with his teeth!)

Gokart has a point, kind of: "cute" is a word that only chicks use in a certain way. Girls will describe a neighborhood, a joke, a pair of shoes, or a dress as "cute," and I have to remind them that the only things that are certifiably cute are girls, babies, little kids, baby animals, and bunny rabbits. Nothing else.

if I'm saying a woman is hot, or someone is pudgy, another person is tall...I'm describing what people look like merely to put a visual in the readers head.

By JoshBoard

If the babe is super h-o-t then you should gives us guys the heads up with the phrase "bootylicious"...........

"cute" is a word that only chicks use in a certain way. Girls will describe a neighborhood, a joke, a pair of shoes, or a dress as "cute," and I have to remind them that the only things that are certifiably cute are girls, babies, little kids, baby animals, and bunny rabbits. Nothing else.

By russl

Cute post russl.

David Letterman used to say "a handsome couple" which always sounded weird to me.

David Letterman used to say "a handsome couple" which always sounded weird to me.

By JoshBoard

David Letterman is an idiot-and awful comedian/talk shop host/husband.

No one should quote that loser.

I like Letterman, but I like Conan more.

They just said on the morning news, that he moved out and got his own apartment. Yikes!

Conan is better than Letterman, but not nearly as good as Jay Leno-and none of them copmpare to Johnny Carson.

I like that guy Joel McHale who is doing Talk Soup on the E! chanel. They should get him to replace Conan.

Yea, the National Enquirer said Lettermans wife kicked him out and he got a loft somewhere in NYC. Serves the D-bag right.

Sounds like Letterman's wife was only in it for the money. What a shocker!!!! :-O

Well...Lettermans wife certainly wasn't in it for the money, as she spent 20 years with the dude.

Surf, are you kidding me? Jay Leno is the worst of all talk show hosts. He was a great stand-up comedian, but was absolutely horrible in the talk show format.

Even his man on the street interviews (Jay Walking) were bad. Here's an example of why. He would ask people who the Vice President was. And the person might respond with, "I don't know, I think Sarah Palin." And Leno would smile, shake his head and repeat the answer. He'd say "Sarah Palin? No, no sir, she's not the Vice President."

Well, if the humor of the bit is a regular person not knowing basic things about the country, let the answer be the punch line (Carson was the king at this). And, if his goal is to add some funny to the answer, which is also a fine approach, well...don't just repeat it!!! You have to say, "Yes, it is Sarah Palin. Obama has an office in the White House, but she chose an office in her hometown of Alaska, so she can keep an eye on those pesky Russians!"

JB, Leno is light years ahead of Letterman, and the ratings proved it.

Leno was #1 for at least 95% of the time they competed head to head, and Letterman was usually relegated to 3rd place for most of that time.

Ratings prove ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. They proved middle-America liked jokes being told, where Leno EXPLAINS things to them. I rememberh him once saying something like, "So...there was a hunting accident with Dick Cheney..he's the vice president..."

It took all the momentum out of the joke, to have to explain who the VP was!

But you know what? Those same people that make Leno win in the ratings, are the ones that make the movies number one, that no critic recommends.

"It took all the momentum out of the joke, to have to explain who the VP was!" In that situation, having to explain something that obvious to the audience WAS the joke, or a joke within a joke. I've seen him do it a hundred times.

But you're right, partly. It breaks down like this:

Letterman: Not funny at all but not supposed to be. He's unfunny, so that makes him hip, and hip makes him superior to Leno.

Leno: Great staff of writers; a comic who can deliver a joke great and then kill it every time. Leno tells a joke fine and then kills it by milking it -- not explaining it, milking it. So many times I wanted to tell him, "Just tell the joke!!!" Over and over, the writers made me laugh out loud and then Leno made me cringe.

Conehead O'Brien: On his old show, his entire shtik could be summarized as "I'm weird. I'm so weird. Look at how weird I am. Isn't that funny? I'm so weird." He somehow got the Tonight Show gig, and Leno took all his good writers with him.

The Scottish Guy: Strange, convoluted, stream-of-consciousness monologues that are funny once you understand his humor.

I guess nowadays I only catch the musical acts on the late-night shows.

Late-night TV has always sucked. Daytime TV has always sucked. Prime-time TV hasn't always sucked but reality TV has killed Prime-time so now it too sucks. Tv, in general sucks. As I write this, I'm watching FTS on TRU TV. It's a repeat from last week. I think this week's episode is next. I'll find out in 15 minutes. If it's not football or some true crime show, I'm usually watching the corporate news trying to discern the fact from the bulls***.

"TV, in general, sucks." You just figured that out?

P.S. to #23: Puppy's right, Carson shuts 'em all down.

R.I.P. Johnny :-( He was the only one I've liked.

Sure, Carson was the best. But..does that mean if someone is talking about Yao Ming today, you can say "Oh, Wilt Chamberlain and Kareem were much better centers."

The Scottish guy (Craig Ferguson) is great at interviews and being funny, but the openings are usually weak. As her his bits.

Conan does play up the "I'm weird, got weird hair, I'm pale...so laugh when I make goofy faces." But he delivers the goods. He really is funny. And a great comedic writer (wrote great bits for SNL and Simpson's)

I know how to make really awesome omeletts, Josh. Chef Boyardee I'm not.

Conan does play up the "I'm weird, got weird hair, I'm pale...so laugh when I make goofy faces." But he delivers the goods. He really is funny. And a great comedic writer (wrote great bits for SNL and Simpson's)

By JoshBoard

Sorry JB, Conan is average. Don't be average.

Joel McHale from "The Soup" is much funnier, and I WISH he was doing the "Tonight Show"

Joel McHale rocks. He was great in the movie Informant, too!

Conan did some amazing comedy at Harvard, too.

Yes, McHale is a crackup.

What you don't realize about McHale, or Conan, is that they are both TALL guys-6'4. Not until you see them standing next to someone do you get a perspective on how tall they are.

McHale actually played college football at Wathington, played tight end, which is basically a lineman postion.

McHale isn't nearly as funny as the more sarcastic, former late night (and ESPN) host Craig Kilborn. Also a tall bloke, who played some college basketball.

My favorite host when it was Talk Soup was Hal Sparks.

I think ALL of the "Talk Soup" hosts have been really, REALLY ghood. Hal Sparks was great, as was Aiesha Tyler, Joel McHale and John Henson-all very fuinny hosts and the show has certainly withstood the test of time, since it has been on TV for close to 20 years now.

For pure Eye Candy I love watching "Attack of the Show" on the G4 Network, with SUPER HOT Olivia Munn. She is so smoking I don't care what is on the show!



Sorry. I was thinking of John Henson, not Hal Sparks. Hal was pretty funny but Skunk Boy was bar none, hands down the master at making someone look stupid.

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