Intensity in Banker's Hill?

There were two parties I missed that I was bummed about. These guys that throw an annual jet-ski party called me afterward and said that they got around the beach booze ban by drinking out on rafts in the water. They said one raft had 25 people piled on it.

Another party was an opening for a children’s museum. I was told that Pat Benatar would perform there, but I couldn’t make that event either.

I did, however, party with some “famous” people at the “Intense Individual Party,” which a group of locals have been putting on to raise money for “Arts — A Reason to Survive.” I was told everyone dressed as someone intense.

I went with the Joker look. I figured it would be easy to spray my hair green, put white makeup on my face, and paint on a crazy smile.

My girlfriend kept changing her mind on whom she’d go as. She thought about Hillary Clinton and was going to buy an orange pantsuit.

Then she thought about going as Sarah Palin. The problem is, she doesn’t look like her. I can’t even remember whom she went as.

The event was at a hall in Banker’s Hill. When we arrived a deejay was spinning music.

A woman dressed as Edward Scissorhands walked by and said, “If anyone needs a haircut...”

There was a table set up with flyers about how the arts programs help victims of abuse, neglect, and abandonment. Reading about all these kids and how much money was needed for an arts center made me feel guilty that we got in without paying the $20 cover.

The cover was probably one of the reasons that there were only around 100 people here. But, you pay more to go to clubs downtown.

There was a woman dressed as an Olympic volleyball player. I assumed she just wanted to show off her body — not that there’s anything wrong with that.

At one point, she was hitting a ball around with a guy. I couldn’t figure out who he was earlier, but then I realized he was Tom Hanks...with Wilson. I saw someone else dressed as Tom Hanks in Forrest Gump. He went on stage and introduced the band, talking as though he was Forrest Gump. The band was local group the Exfriends, who played an entertaining set.

There were a lot of snacks but no real food, so we walked down the street to a Mexican restaurant. It wasn’t until right before we walked in that I realized I still had the stuff on my face. We sat down, and it took a waitress 15 minutes to come over. Maybe it was the face. I thought about saying to the Latina waitress, “Did you ignore me because I’m white?”

They didn’t have the meal I wanted because they “ran out.” The second thing I chose, they had also run out of. I decided I’d just have chips and salsa and soup. My girlfriend ordered an entrée. While we were waiting for the Cokes we ordered, the waitress came over and said, “We don’t have the chicken tortilla soup.” We said, “Okay,” and got up and left.

I figured I’d just eat a lot of popcorn from the old-fashioned machine they had going at the party.

The Exfriends played another couple of songs, and then the deejay was back. When he played a Cher tune, someone dressed as Cher got on stage. For some reason, I had assumed it was a guy. My girlfriend said, “I don’t know why you thought that. She’s actually really pretty.”

After Cher lip-synced her song, a woman dressed as Amy Winehouse got up. She sang along to “Rehab.” She did a little too much method acting. As she stumbled around as if she were drunk, she fell backwards over an amplifier and off the stage. Security ran over, but she was fine.

Miss Piggy walked by with Kermit strapped to her back.

One guy was dressed up like Eugene Levy in American Pie. He was carrying around a pie. “Are we going to cut that up and eat it?” I asked him. He said possibly later. Then I heard someone say, “He’s giving new meaning to the phrase ‘pie hole.’” The American Pie guy was on the dance floor dancing with his pie. He put it on the floor and pretended to make love to it. The crowd loved it.

I saw a guy in a wheelchair and thought that he might be imitating Stephen Hawking — he had a laptop with him. I thought that someone wouldn’t get a wheelchair just for a costume. This guy was really disabled. At one point, women were dancing around him. He seemed to be enjoying himself until a guy who had had too much to drink came over and started gyrating around him obnoxiously.

Then another guy in a wheelchair rolled by. He was in costume. My girlfriend asked me who he was, and I said, “I think Ron Kovic, the guy Tom Cruise played in Born on the Fourth of July.”

He had his legs strapped under the wheelchair, and they stayed that way the entire time. I realized then that my costume was really...

convenient.

I saw Forrest Gump kissing Shirley Temple. I asked her what was intense about her character. She said, “Hey, I have a drink named after me. That’s pretty intense!”

It was fun people watching as the dance floor filled with costumed dancers — John McEnroe, an Olympic gymnast (who would occasionally run and do flips), a cowboy and his horse, Sarah Palin with a VP badge...

I thought I saw another Joker but upon closer inspection realized that it was Beetlejuice.

The deejay said he was going to slow things down and played Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s Get It On.” The intense folks got mellow and slow-danced.

I couldn’t figure out who a bald guy was supposed to be. My girlfriend said, “He’s Howie Mandel. Look at the two women with him...and the suitcase.”

When I saw a guy wearing the Jack in the Box head, I realized that some people wore their Halloween costumes or some old thing that they had in their closet, such as the guy with the Viking horn helmet.

Several guys wore shorts, which was probably more comfortable. One had on an Oregon shirt and headband, and I couldn’t figure out if he was the founder of Nike or runner Jim Fixx.

The deejay played some older hip-hop tunes and then Justin Timberlake’s “Sexy Back,” which filled the dance floor. I said to a woman nearby, “Am I the only one who hates this song?” She said, “Yeah.”

There was a spacious balcony where they had artwork for sale. We went up and watched the party from above. Someone upstairs said, “It’s probably expensive to rent this huge place. I think they’re losing a lot of money.”

I noticed some people brought signs, such as Rosie the Riveter, who had her “We can do it!” sign. Later, someone asked her what her name was. When she said, “Rosie,” I overheard another woman whisper to her friend, “Not Rosie O’Donnell?”

I walked by Indiana Jones and heard a woman say, “He can use that whip on me.”

Forrest Gump was on the dance floor doing the “running man.”

When we were getting ready to leave, I filled the Batman head I was carrying around with candy bars for the road. I was like a kid on Halloween.

As we were walking out, a woman in blackface got on stage. When she started to speak into the mike, I realized she was supposed to be Tyra Banks. She was giving that spiel that Banks gave when a magazine criticized her for gaining weight. She put her hand on her hips and finished with a loud “You can kiss my fat ass!” The crowd went nuts. That became my favorite costume, bumping the astronaut wearing diapers.

As we walked to the car, I heard two guys talking: “I’m still not positive if that was Dolly Parton and the other chick was Britney Spears. It was too hard to figure people out at this party.”

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