Anchor ads are not supported on this page.

4S Ranch Allied Gardens Alpine Baja Balboa Park Bankers Hill Barrio Logan Bay Ho Bay Park Black Mountain Ranch Blossom Valley Bonita Bonsall Borrego Springs Boulevard Campo Cardiff-by-the-Sea Carlsbad Carmel Mountain Carmel Valley Chollas View Chula Vista City College City Heights Clairemont College Area Coronado CSU San Marcos Cuyamaca College Del Cerro Del Mar Descanso Downtown San Diego Eastlake East Village El Cajon Emerald Hills Encanto Encinitas Escondido Fallbrook Fletcher Hills Golden Hill Grant Hill Grantville Grossmont College Guatay Harbor Island Hillcrest Imperial Beach Imperial Valley Jacumba Jamacha-Lomita Jamul Julian Kearny Mesa Kensington La Jolla Lakeside La Mesa Lemon Grove Leucadia Liberty Station Lincoln Acres Lincoln Park Linda Vista Little Italy Logan Heights Mesa College Midway District MiraCosta College Miramar Miramar College Mira Mesa Mission Beach Mission Hills Mission Valley Mountain View Mount Hope Mount Laguna National City Nestor Normal Heights North Park Oak Park Ocean Beach Oceanside Old Town Otay Mesa Pacific Beach Pala Palomar College Palomar Mountain Paradise Hills Pauma Valley Pine Valley Point Loma Point Loma Nazarene Potrero Poway Rainbow Ramona Rancho Bernardo Rancho Penasquitos Rancho San Diego Rancho Santa Fe Rolando San Carlos San Marcos San Onofre Santa Ysabel Santee San Ysidro Scripps Ranch SDSU Serra Mesa Shelltown Shelter Island Sherman Heights Skyline Solana Beach Sorrento Valley Southcrest South Park Southwestern College Spring Valley Stockton Talmadge Temecula Tierrasanta Tijuana UCSD University City University Heights USD Valencia Park Valley Center Vista Warner Springs

What's Up? by Peter Hoshi

It must be because he just rode his bike here to meet me, I thought. Why else would a twenty-something male who appeared to be in good health be sweating profusely on a cool fall day?

Sweating aside, he seemed like a nice enough guy. He was talkative and came across as well versed in history and business. He said he was a co-owner of a business here in town and that he worked a lot. He had the first month’s rent with him, and as I had been having little luck in finding a suitable roommate, I gave him the room.

We didn’t cross paths often, but when we did, our brief conversations were cordial. True to his word, he did seem to work a lot. Or, I should say, he wasn’t around often. By the end of the first month our short conversations had become a quick “What’s up?” on the few occasions that I would catch him whisking in or out of the apartment.

It dawned on me that I never did see him move any furniture in. Must have been when I was at work, I reasoned. He never received any mail, either. I began to feel as if I was living with an apparition.

The only thing he kept in the kitchen was a bag of noodles and a jar of pasta sauce. Neither of which were opened; both of which were expired. My food began to disappear. I’d cook four pieces of chicken, eat one, put three in the fridge — and have only one the next morning. I purchased a 30-day supply of protein powder — it lasted one week.

Sponsored
Sponsored

My “What’s up?” greetings became stern, peppered with suspicion.

In the fifth week we passed in the hallway as he was returning to his room from taking a shower. I feigned a smile as he passed and then noticed a familiar smell. A botanical smell. The smell of my hair conditioner!

That afternoon I took stock of my bathroom supplies; my suspicions were confirmed. My hair conditioner was almost empty, and I had just bought the bottle three days prior. What? Is he drinking the stuff? Same with my shampoo, soap, and toilet paper...he had used half a quart of mouthwash in a matter of days!

I had to confront him. I knocked on his bedroom door. No answer. I tested it: locked. He must have whisked off again.

The first of the month arrived. The rent was due, and there was no sign of my mysterious, sweating roommate — not even in passing. Calls to his cell phone were unanswered. Notes on his door just piled up. Days turned into weeks, and though he was neither seen nor heard, his presence, like a phantom in the night, was felt. Food kept disappearing, bath supplies dwindled, garbage piled up.

Then it happened. I was tired after a long day at work. I stood in front of the bathroom mirror, blurry eyed, wearily brushing my teeth when I noticed an unfamiliar taste. I stopped and took a closer look at my toothbrush — there were flecks of lettuce and carrot in the bristles. But I didn’t have a salad... Then it hit me — he’d been using my toothbrush!

After furiously rinsing my mouth out for 15 minutes I set off to his “place of business,” only to be told that they had never heard of him. Great. Short of breaking down his bedroom door — which I would be financially responsible for replacing — I thought of the next best way to rid myself of this phantom menace: an embargo.

I gathered all my bath supplies, food, utensils, plates, cookware, everything, and stored them in my bedroom with the door locked. With no food or bathing (with soap or shampoo, anyway), it wouldn’t be long before I smoked him out.

At the end of the second month I came home to find his bedroom door wide open. Inside were two plates of food scraps, five coffee-stained mugs (that’s where all my mugs went!), some crumpled paper with incomprehensible scribbles, an old copy of Ladies’ Home Journal (huh?), and a few articles of grimy clothing strewn about the room.

Thank goodness, he had finally moved out! Or had he...?

Tell us the story of your roommate from hell and we will publish it and pay you ($100 for 500-2000 words).

E-mail story to
[email protected]
Or mail to:
San Diego Reader/Roommate
Box 85803
San Diego, CA 92186

Here's something you might be interested in.
Submit a free classified
or view all
Previous article

Making Love to Goats, Rachmaninoff, and Elgar

Next Article

Reader Music Issue short takes

Obervatory's mosh pit, frenetic Rafael Payare, Lemonhead chaos, bleedforthescene, Coronado Tasting Room

It must be because he just rode his bike here to meet me, I thought. Why else would a twenty-something male who appeared to be in good health be sweating profusely on a cool fall day?

Sweating aside, he seemed like a nice enough guy. He was talkative and came across as well versed in history and business. He said he was a co-owner of a business here in town and that he worked a lot. He had the first month’s rent with him, and as I had been having little luck in finding a suitable roommate, I gave him the room.

We didn’t cross paths often, but when we did, our brief conversations were cordial. True to his word, he did seem to work a lot. Or, I should say, he wasn’t around often. By the end of the first month our short conversations had become a quick “What’s up?” on the few occasions that I would catch him whisking in or out of the apartment.

It dawned on me that I never did see him move any furniture in. Must have been when I was at work, I reasoned. He never received any mail, either. I began to feel as if I was living with an apparition.

The only thing he kept in the kitchen was a bag of noodles and a jar of pasta sauce. Neither of which were opened; both of which were expired. My food began to disappear. I’d cook four pieces of chicken, eat one, put three in the fridge — and have only one the next morning. I purchased a 30-day supply of protein powder — it lasted one week.

Sponsored
Sponsored

My “What’s up?” greetings became stern, peppered with suspicion.

In the fifth week we passed in the hallway as he was returning to his room from taking a shower. I feigned a smile as he passed and then noticed a familiar smell. A botanical smell. The smell of my hair conditioner!

That afternoon I took stock of my bathroom supplies; my suspicions were confirmed. My hair conditioner was almost empty, and I had just bought the bottle three days prior. What? Is he drinking the stuff? Same with my shampoo, soap, and toilet paper...he had used half a quart of mouthwash in a matter of days!

I had to confront him. I knocked on his bedroom door. No answer. I tested it: locked. He must have whisked off again.

The first of the month arrived. The rent was due, and there was no sign of my mysterious, sweating roommate — not even in passing. Calls to his cell phone were unanswered. Notes on his door just piled up. Days turned into weeks, and though he was neither seen nor heard, his presence, like a phantom in the night, was felt. Food kept disappearing, bath supplies dwindled, garbage piled up.

Then it happened. I was tired after a long day at work. I stood in front of the bathroom mirror, blurry eyed, wearily brushing my teeth when I noticed an unfamiliar taste. I stopped and took a closer look at my toothbrush — there were flecks of lettuce and carrot in the bristles. But I didn’t have a salad... Then it hit me — he’d been using my toothbrush!

After furiously rinsing my mouth out for 15 minutes I set off to his “place of business,” only to be told that they had never heard of him. Great. Short of breaking down his bedroom door — which I would be financially responsible for replacing — I thought of the next best way to rid myself of this phantom menace: an embargo.

I gathered all my bath supplies, food, utensils, plates, cookware, everything, and stored them in my bedroom with the door locked. With no food or bathing (with soap or shampoo, anyway), it wouldn’t be long before I smoked him out.

At the end of the second month I came home to find his bedroom door wide open. Inside were two plates of food scraps, five coffee-stained mugs (that’s where all my mugs went!), some crumpled paper with incomprehensible scribbles, an old copy of Ladies’ Home Journal (huh?), and a few articles of grimy clothing strewn about the room.

Thank goodness, he had finally moved out! Or had he...?

Tell us the story of your roommate from hell and we will publish it and pay you ($100 for 500-2000 words).

E-mail story to
[email protected]
Or mail to:
San Diego Reader/Roommate
Box 85803
San Diego, CA 92186

Comments
Sponsored
Here's something you might be interested in.
Submit a free classified
or view all
Previous article

Navy solves San Diego homeless crisis by retiring four locally moored ships

Decommision Accomplished
Next Article

Nation’s sexy soldiers stage protest at Pendleton in wake of change in Marine uniform policy

Semper WHY?
Comments
Ask a Hipster — Advice you didn't know you needed Big Screen — Movie commentary Blurt — Music's inside track Booze News — San Diego spirits Classical Music — Immortal beauty Classifieds — Free and easy Cover Stories — Front-page features Drinks All Around — Bartenders' drink recipes Excerpts — Literary and spiritual excerpts Feast! — Food & drink reviews Feature Stories — Local news & stories Fishing Report — What’s getting hooked from ship and shore From the Archives — Spotlight on the past Golden Dreams — Talk of the town The Gonzo Report — Making the musical scene, or at least reporting from it Letters — Our inbox Movies@Home — Local movie buffs share favorites Movie Reviews — Our critics' picks and pans Musician Interviews — Up close with local artists Neighborhood News from Stringers — Hyperlocal news News Ticker — News & politics Obermeyer — San Diego politics illustrated Outdoors — Weekly changes in flora and fauna Overheard in San Diego — Eavesdropping illustrated Poetry — The old and the new Reader Travel — Travel section built by travelers Reading — The hunt for intellectuals Roam-O-Rama — SoCal's best hiking/biking trails San Diego Beer — Inside San Diego suds SD on the QT — Almost factual news Sheep and Goats — Places of worship Special Issues — The best of Street Style — San Diego streets have style Surf Diego — Real stories from those braving the waves Theater — On stage in San Diego this week Tin Fork — Silver spoon alternative Under the Radar — Matt Potter's undercover work Unforgettable — Long-ago San Diego Unreal Estate — San Diego's priciest pads Your Week — Daily event picks
4S Ranch Allied Gardens Alpine Baja Balboa Park Bankers Hill Barrio Logan Bay Ho Bay Park Black Mountain Ranch Blossom Valley Bonita Bonsall Borrego Springs Boulevard Campo Cardiff-by-the-Sea Carlsbad Carmel Mountain Carmel Valley Chollas View Chula Vista City College City Heights Clairemont College Area Coronado CSU San Marcos Cuyamaca College Del Cerro Del Mar Descanso Downtown San Diego Eastlake East Village El Cajon Emerald Hills Encanto Encinitas Escondido Fallbrook Fletcher Hills Golden Hill Grant Hill Grantville Grossmont College Guatay Harbor Island Hillcrest Imperial Beach Imperial Valley Jacumba Jamacha-Lomita Jamul Julian Kearny Mesa Kensington La Jolla Lakeside La Mesa Lemon Grove Leucadia Liberty Station Lincoln Acres Lincoln Park Linda Vista Little Italy Logan Heights Mesa College Midway District MiraCosta College Miramar Miramar College Mira Mesa Mission Beach Mission Hills Mission Valley Mountain View Mount Hope Mount Laguna National City Nestor Normal Heights North Park Oak Park Ocean Beach Oceanside Old Town Otay Mesa Pacific Beach Pala Palomar College Palomar Mountain Paradise Hills Pauma Valley Pine Valley Point Loma Point Loma Nazarene Potrero Poway Rainbow Ramona Rancho Bernardo Rancho Penasquitos Rancho San Diego Rancho Santa Fe Rolando San Carlos San Marcos San Onofre Santa Ysabel Santee San Ysidro Scripps Ranch SDSU Serra Mesa Shelltown Shelter Island Sherman Heights Skyline Solana Beach Sorrento Valley Southcrest South Park Southwestern College Spring Valley Stockton Talmadge Temecula Tierrasanta Tijuana UCSD University City University Heights USD Valencia Park Valley Center Vista Warner Springs
Close

Anchor ads are not supported on this page.