An Open Letter to American Babies

An Open Letter to All American Babies:
You were born in the United States. You are a human being, so therefore you have the right to walk around; you have the right to move around without limit. You can cross the Sierra Nevadas, strike out along the plains, sit at the edge of the Atlantic Ocean. No one can stop you. You have the right to enjoy every square inch of this country.

You do not have the right to pollute the lakes and oceans because those belong to everyone else, too. If you cut trees down, replace them. If you mine minerals from the ground, then you have to give some of the money you make to the rest of us because that was our mineral, too. You can keep a good portion of profits because you devised some way to use it that we hadn’t. Fair enough. And when we say you’ve taken enough out of the ground, then you have to stop.

You can practice whatever religion you’d like. I may not practice the same religion or any religion at all. You can tell me about your religion — I don’t mind; I’ll listen. However, you cannot forcibly convert people to your religion. You can use whatever means are at your disposal to tell people about your religion. Whatever you have mined from the ground or made from trees you can sell to make money and use that to tell us what you think happens when we die. That’s fine. A lot of people won’t listen to you, and that’s their right.

You can say whatever you’d like. You can use whatever language is most comfortable for you. You can change your language as you see fit. But you cannot tell other people what they can and cannot say. You can buy time to broadcast your language on any technology available, but you cannot limit what others have to say. Wait in line, buy your time on TV, and speak your message.

If you want to take up arms to defend the rest of us, you’re welcome to it; in fact, it’s commendable. But beware: people will try to use your violence for their own will. You also cannot harm anyone unless you are trying to keep someone from harming you, which is tricky.

Walk from border to border. Sit in pine forests. Learn to play jazz, blues, and baseball; they are American. Use every advantage you’re given and try to give some back.

Thank you.

Enough of that stuff; let’s get to the weirdness, shall we?

Thursday, May 1
The Bold and the Beautiful
CBS 9:30 a.m.

Wouldn’t it be awkward to star in a soap opera? You’d be famous, but it’d be for being on something stupid. You’d be famous, but you’d still have to buy your own coffee and drive your own car. Sure, you’d get a lot of dates, but the dates would be with somebody from your gym who you probably could’ve dated anyway. And she’d smell a little funny and talk about her cats and medical problems a lot. So, it’s kind of a wash.

Mayoral Debate
CASD4 7:30 p.m.

I’m totally going to run for mayor someday. And then I’m going to rule the city like it was Rome. I will shut the downtown off; it will be a goat and spice marketplace and chubby women will fan me. I’ll wear one of those leafy things on my head, and I’ll say things like, “Bring me oysters and wash me!”

Friday, May 2
Fiesta Mexicana
PBS 8:00 p.m.

Oh, super. PBS pries their attention away from all things British to focus on Mexico. You’re getting a little closer, PBS. At least your subject is one of our border nations. Now, if someone would show you a map and point to where we live and then list for you things that are not boring and dumb, boy, we’d be in business.

Juwanna Mann
XDTV 8:00 p.m.

Someone woke up one morning and in all seriousness thought, “I need 20 million dollars to make a movie about a man who dresses as a woman to save a sports team. But how do I convince someone to give me money for that? There are 456 movies with the same premise. Think. Think. Get money. Get money. Hmmm... OH! I got it! I’ll make the cast black. CHA-CHING!”

Saturday, May 3
The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe
ABC 8:00 p.m.

The Chronicles of Suck: Sucks Like Two Sucking Machines Operated by a Qualified Suck Technician from the Technical Institute of Suck.

Sunday, May 4
CNN Newsroom
CNN 7:00 p.m.

I’m really torn on this whole presidential campaign. On the one hand, I really want to know what a superdelegate is, but on the other hand, I don’t want to listen to someone who knows what a superdelegate is. Anyone who knows what a superdelegate is must have an oily mustache with little droplets of milk on it. And it’s probably a woman. And you know she’s a total pervert. Only milk-mustached pervert women would know what a superdelegate is, and I don’t have the strength. I just don’t.

Monday, May 5
Fox 8:00 p.m.

So, the guy who was Angel was at one time a taxi driver, then it was discovered that he was Angel. I wish he’d drive cabs again so I could hop in and say, “Angel! Take me to Fourth and Broadway, step on it, and spout lines from Buffy while we go! And NOT from the last season when they introduced Buffy’s fake little sister, Dawn. Pronto, Angel! Pronto!”

Tuesday, May 6
Hell’s Kitchen
FOX 9:00 p.m.

It’s my birthday! I’m not joking; it really is. I’m going to get loaded on barbiturates, smear my naked body with cake, rubber-band sparklers to my head, and see how far I can run before I’m arrested. My goal is to make it to the panda cage at the zoo. Here I come, Ping Ping, you fat, lazy, black-and-white fuzzy bastard!

Wednesday, May 7
Farmer Wants a Wife
CW 9:00 p.m.

Oh, yeah, this is what we needed. Well, if it’ll keep women from running their yaps about the new Sex in the City movie, if only for a minute and a half, then the millions of dollars CW dumps into this festering bucket of camel lips will be worth it. Ladies, shut your Sex in the City yow-yow-yowing! Sweet molasses, no one cares!

Thursday, May 8
Can You Duet?
CMT 8:00 p.m.

My new favorite thing to say for when someone cracks one off is, “Did my grandma just walk through here or did you open a treasure chest?”

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Happy Birthday King, when my Baby can read, she will read this...

Yo Ollie, I missed this column a few weeks ago, but just read it today, and as usual, enjoyed...the babies of America should all take a listen. And you are so right about the suckfest that is the Chronicles of Narnia...why are people so into that crap?

Anyway, more importantly, hope your birthday celebration was fitting, and that you taught that panda a thing or two!

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