Nothing Fancy

Two of my favorite comics, Adam Carolla and David Alan Grier, came to town as part of a radio promotion for a 103.7 "Free FM" party at the Wavehouse in Mission Beach. Carolla's morning show replaced Howard Stern when Stern went to satellite radio, and Grier was one of Carolla's guests. I crashed the VIP tent, where there was fruit, cheese, chips, skewers, and sandwiches. I ate well. When I met Carolla, I said, " Loveline sucks since you left. I can't listen to it anymore. I know you said you don't want people telling you that..."

"I haven't listened to it lately," he said. "It's not that I don't want people telling me that. It's nice of you to say. I just didn't want people telling me I should go back to that show. I feel I'm moving on to other things. I've already done the Man Show and Loveline, and I'm not going to be going back to those shows again."

I asked him if he'd be doing any new episodes of Crank Yankers.

"Yeah. We're in the process of doing them right now."

When I saw Grier, I wanted to tell him he's one of the greatest comedic minds around, how much I'd enjoyed him on In Living Color and on talk shows. Since I was just talking about Crank Yankers with Carolla, all I thought to say was, "I liked the rap you did on Crank Yankers -- hysterical." He just smiled and walked away.

I realized I had forgotten my cell phone in my car, and my date was supposed to meet me. If I'd left the VIP area, however, chances were I wouldn't get back in. But if I didn't, there was no way she'd find me in the crowd. As I tried to decide what to do, Charger Shawn Merriman walked in with a gorgeous woman. I decided to hang back there a while longer.

I noticed a creepy guy taking pictures of the women walking by the entrance. Some welcomed it, while others were annoyed. A woman locked in a cage had no choice. The photographer took several pictures of her. The cage was sponsored by a bail-bonds business that also distributed key chains with miniature handcuffs. These promotions were popular with the crowd.

When the show started, the place went crazy. The speakers were loud enough that the audience could hear everything. Someone who looked like Tony Hawk sat down next to me. I didn't think it was him until Carolla said that Hawk would be one of his guests. Carolla then turned to Grier and asked him, "Why is it that black people don't skate?"

Grier was at the Civic Theatre doing The Wiz, and Carolla said, "You've made gazillions of dollars, so why are you doing Raisin in the Sun at the San Diego YMCA?"

I heard the DJs talking about a woman giving birth to a 14-pound baby. A woman nearby said, "That must be the biggest baby ever born. There was an 11-pound baby in my family." I said, "I would've guessed the biggest baby ever born would be around 20 pounds." She replied, "A baby that big would need to be born wearing brakes. No baby could possibly be born that big. It's impossible. Men are always clueless about things like that."

I Googled it later and discovered that there had been a baby born that was about 20 pounds.

When I lit up a cigar, a woman came over and said, "My mom is 70. She went to Cuba and brought back cigars." I asked if she smoked them. "Oh, yeah. She smokes everything...

pot, you name it." We got to talking and it turned out she moved here from Minnesota. She told me how she answered an ad in the paper for a sales job that turned out to be a telemarketing nightmare. She told me about the calls and being cursed out and hung up on.

As the conversation was going well with this attractive woman, I noticed my date watching us through the gate. I said, "Oh, hi. There you are..."

"Why aren't you answering your cell phone?" she asked.

"I left it in my car," I said and introduced her to the woman so she wouldn't get suspicious. I explained to her that I didn't want to leave the VIP area to retrieve my phone and asked security if she could come in. They let her back, and after some red wine, her mood lightened. It helped that the two ladies had a few things in common.

There was a bikini contest onstage, and when one woman showed her breasts, the crowd exploded. I overheard someone say, "I think the only people who saw that were in the first couple of rows." His friend said, "Who cares... It's not like we haven't seen boobs before. And why is Carolla even doing stuff like this? This is Howard Stern territory."

"What else are you supposed to do for a crowd of people at the beach," his friend replied, "roast marshmallows?"

A cute girl named Jordan won the bikini contest and was crowned Miss Adam Carolla San Diego. I said to a guy next to me, "Carolla always makes fun of his ugly, kinky hair...and Donald Trump has a pageant. What is it with guys with bad hair and beauty pageants?"

I saw an old friend near the wave machine and went over to talk to him. As we were catching up, I noticed he was looking over my shoulder. Behind me, Tony Hawk was taking off his clothes. I wasn't sure what he was doing, but he stripped down to what looked to be his underwear. I turned back around to continue my story, and my buddy said, "Uh, what is going on with Hawk?"

"I don't know," I said. "Should we ask?"

I turned around and asked Hawk what was going on. "Everyone wants me to ride one of those waves. So, I'm going to go ride one."

I took out my camera for a picture.

Hawk grabbed a board and a crowd gathered poolside. I asked someone standing nearby if skaters are also good surfers. "We'll soon find out," he said.

When Hawk caught a wave, he was a little shaky at first but was soon riding it and doing a few moves, cutting back and forth. I heard a woman behind me say, "Big deal. He's not even doing anything fancy."

I guess you can't make everyone happy.

Adam Carolla and his show, along with celebrity guests, will be back at the Wavehouse in Belmont Park tonight, May 3.

Crash your party? Call 619-235-3000 x421 and leave an invitation for Josh Board.

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