Anchor ads are not supported on this page.

4S Ranch Allied Gardens Alpine Baja Balboa Park Bankers Hill Barrio Logan Bay Ho Bay Park Black Mountain Ranch Blossom Valley Bonita Bonsall Borrego Springs Boulevard Campo Cardiff-by-the-Sea Carlsbad Carmel Mountain Carmel Valley Chollas View Chula Vista City College City Heights Clairemont College Area Coronado CSU San Marcos Cuyamaca College Del Cerro Del Mar Descanso Downtown San Diego Eastlake East Village El Cajon Emerald Hills Encanto Encinitas Escondido Fallbrook Fletcher Hills Golden Hill Grant Hill Grantville Grossmont College Guatay Harbor Island Hillcrest Imperial Beach Imperial Valley Jacumba Jamacha-Lomita Jamul Julian Kearny Mesa Kensington La Jolla Lakeside La Mesa Lemon Grove Leucadia Liberty Station Lincoln Acres Lincoln Park Linda Vista Little Italy Logan Heights Mesa College Midway District MiraCosta College Miramar Miramar College Mira Mesa Mission Beach Mission Hills Mission Valley Mountain View Mount Hope Mount Laguna National City Nestor Normal Heights North Park Oak Park Ocean Beach Oceanside Old Town Otay Mesa Pacific Beach Pala Palomar College Palomar Mountain Paradise Hills Pauma Valley Pine Valley Point Loma Point Loma Nazarene Potrero Poway Rainbow Ramona Rancho Bernardo Rancho Penasquitos Rancho San Diego Rancho Santa Fe Rolando San Carlos San Marcos San Onofre Santa Ysabel Santee San Ysidro Scripps Ranch SDSU Serra Mesa Shelltown Shelter Island Sherman Heights Skyline Solana Beach Sorrento Valley Southcrest South Park Southwestern College Spring Valley Stockton Talmadge Temecula Tierrasanta Tijuana UCSD University City University Heights USD Valencia Park Valley Center Vista Warner Springs

Unfixable by Rachel Burnett

I knew from our first phone call that Jim was a self-centered, self-absorbed, man-sized boy. We met via the Internet. I was newly out of a long-term relationship and 12 years older than he was. He had never had a relationship for longer than a year. Before that first phone call, we had exchanged several e-mails over a two-month period, and I had made the mistake of letting myself get attached to him before we even met, so I ignored the red flags that later surfaced.

Our first date was just so-so, and afterwards I backed off from seeing him again. My pulling away after that first encounter was probably a big incentive for him to pursue me, and then when I showed renewed interest it probably became a stimulus to him to move off and disappoint me.

He repeatedly pulled me close and then pushed me away. I felt off balance much of the time, and I was often confused. We had many long phone conversations in which he shared many details of his childhood. My sensitive and nurturing self felt sorry for his wounded inner child. I listened way too much. He was needy -- for understanding, for attention, for acceptance -- and my need to feel important was being fed by his neediness.

It was a neurotic lock. I see that now. Eventually we had about 12 more dates. I was flattered that he found me attractive and sexy. I kept thinking that if I could just love him enough, he'll get healthier, emotionally. He was smart, articulate, and funny. He was well read. We were both teachers. I enjoyed his insights on politics and movies. We both loved dogs, books, children, traveling. He made me laugh. There was chemistry, and there were some magic moments. I felt needed.

Sponsored
Sponsored

All the while, the part of me that wasn't obsessed with Jim was urging caution. It was pointing out things that I preferred to ignore. He's a big gas bag. He always has to be the center of attention. He's always "on." He hardly ever asks a thing about me. He was rude to that poor waiter at the restaurant the first time we met. Gratuitous sarcasm about others. And he constantly dumps on his siblings and his parents!

Every past relationship that hadn't worked out for him was always someone else's fault. He told me stories of how he used people. He liked to mock people and put them down. My doubts began to smolder. "He's sweet to you now," I'd say to myself, "but if he's like that with others, you know your day will come. If you weren't ass over teakettle in love, you really might not like him all that much."

One day I read a series of articles about love. Love, one said, was a form of insanity. The victim attributes impossible qualities to the beloved object. The victim becomes sleepless, loses appetite, and fails to think clearly. These, the article went on, are the symptoms of clinical psychosis! I'd heard all this before, but now it was sinking in. I reread every word. "There you are," murmured a little voice that was growing louder. "That's you."

He and I started bickering. Then, after a big argument, I ended it. And he wormed his way back into my good graces. We tried again. There were two more disconnects... and reconnects. The deathblow to our relationship came when I developed a concern about my health. I needed him to listen, and his response was, "I don't want any heavy emotional discussions."

What? After I had spent countless hours listening to him, being encouraging, being supportive? It was then that I realized that this man was unfixable, and I had to get out and stay out. One of my female friends said, "Try this: Say to yourself, 'I have more respect for myself than to do this anymore.'" She was right.

That was two years ago, and although I was devastated at first, my life eventually went back to normal. Women, you need to sit quietly with yourself and simply pay attention to your body. To your gut. To your feelings. Sit with them. Process them. What are you feeling? Can you find that place inside yourself where you just "know"?

If you are kind and sensitive and if you have a good heart, look for a man with a good heart who is kind and sensitive. I have one now, and I guess Jim helped me because I do appreciate this new and wonderful man who is now my fiancé.

Tell us the story of your breakup and/or date from hell and we will publish it and pay you ($100 for 500-2000 words).

E-mail story to
[email protected]
Or mail to:
San Diego Reader/Dumped
Box 85803
San Diego, CA 92186

Here's something you might be interested in.
Submit a free classified
or view all
Previous article

Best Sports Betting Sites - 10 Online Sportsbooks Ranked for 2024

Best Sports Betting Sites (2024) - Reviews of TOP Online Sportsbooks
Next Article

20 Best Online Casinos USA For Real Money (2024 List)

USA Online Casinos: Top 20 Online Casino Sites of 2024

I knew from our first phone call that Jim was a self-centered, self-absorbed, man-sized boy. We met via the Internet. I was newly out of a long-term relationship and 12 years older than he was. He had never had a relationship for longer than a year. Before that first phone call, we had exchanged several e-mails over a two-month period, and I had made the mistake of letting myself get attached to him before we even met, so I ignored the red flags that later surfaced.

Our first date was just so-so, and afterwards I backed off from seeing him again. My pulling away after that first encounter was probably a big incentive for him to pursue me, and then when I showed renewed interest it probably became a stimulus to him to move off and disappoint me.

He repeatedly pulled me close and then pushed me away. I felt off balance much of the time, and I was often confused. We had many long phone conversations in which he shared many details of his childhood. My sensitive and nurturing self felt sorry for his wounded inner child. I listened way too much. He was needy -- for understanding, for attention, for acceptance -- and my need to feel important was being fed by his neediness.

It was a neurotic lock. I see that now. Eventually we had about 12 more dates. I was flattered that he found me attractive and sexy. I kept thinking that if I could just love him enough, he'll get healthier, emotionally. He was smart, articulate, and funny. He was well read. We were both teachers. I enjoyed his insights on politics and movies. We both loved dogs, books, children, traveling. He made me laugh. There was chemistry, and there were some magic moments. I felt needed.

Sponsored
Sponsored

All the while, the part of me that wasn't obsessed with Jim was urging caution. It was pointing out things that I preferred to ignore. He's a big gas bag. He always has to be the center of attention. He's always "on." He hardly ever asks a thing about me. He was rude to that poor waiter at the restaurant the first time we met. Gratuitous sarcasm about others. And he constantly dumps on his siblings and his parents!

Every past relationship that hadn't worked out for him was always someone else's fault. He told me stories of how he used people. He liked to mock people and put them down. My doubts began to smolder. "He's sweet to you now," I'd say to myself, "but if he's like that with others, you know your day will come. If you weren't ass over teakettle in love, you really might not like him all that much."

One day I read a series of articles about love. Love, one said, was a form of insanity. The victim attributes impossible qualities to the beloved object. The victim becomes sleepless, loses appetite, and fails to think clearly. These, the article went on, are the symptoms of clinical psychosis! I'd heard all this before, but now it was sinking in. I reread every word. "There you are," murmured a little voice that was growing louder. "That's you."

He and I started bickering. Then, after a big argument, I ended it. And he wormed his way back into my good graces. We tried again. There were two more disconnects... and reconnects. The deathblow to our relationship came when I developed a concern about my health. I needed him to listen, and his response was, "I don't want any heavy emotional discussions."

What? After I had spent countless hours listening to him, being encouraging, being supportive? It was then that I realized that this man was unfixable, and I had to get out and stay out. One of my female friends said, "Try this: Say to yourself, 'I have more respect for myself than to do this anymore.'" She was right.

That was two years ago, and although I was devastated at first, my life eventually went back to normal. Women, you need to sit quietly with yourself and simply pay attention to your body. To your gut. To your feelings. Sit with them. Process them. What are you feeling? Can you find that place inside yourself where you just "know"?

If you are kind and sensitive and if you have a good heart, look for a man with a good heart who is kind and sensitive. I have one now, and I guess Jim helped me because I do appreciate this new and wonderful man who is now my fiancé.

Tell us the story of your breakup and/or date from hell and we will publish it and pay you ($100 for 500-2000 words).

E-mail story to
[email protected]
Or mail to:
San Diego Reader/Dumped
Box 85803
San Diego, CA 92186

Comments
Sponsored
Here's something you might be interested in.
Submit a free classified
or view all
Previous article

Flowering pear trees in Kensington not that nice

Empty dirt plots in front of Ken Cinema
Next Article

Didja know I did the first American feature on Jimi Hendrix?

Richard Meltzer goes through the Germs, Blue Oyster Cult, Ray Charles, Elvis, Lavender Hill Mob
Comments
Ask a Hipster — Advice you didn't know you needed Big Screen — Movie commentary Blurt — Music's inside track Booze News — San Diego spirits Classical Music — Immortal beauty Classifieds — Free and easy Cover Stories — Front-page features Drinks All Around — Bartenders' drink recipes Excerpts — Literary and spiritual excerpts Feast! — Food & drink reviews Feature Stories — Local news & stories Fishing Report — What’s getting hooked from ship and shore From the Archives — Spotlight on the past Golden Dreams — Talk of the town The Gonzo Report — Making the musical scene, or at least reporting from it Letters — Our inbox Movies@Home — Local movie buffs share favorites Movie Reviews — Our critics' picks and pans Musician Interviews — Up close with local artists Neighborhood News from Stringers — Hyperlocal news News Ticker — News & politics Obermeyer — San Diego politics illustrated Outdoors — Weekly changes in flora and fauna Overheard in San Diego — Eavesdropping illustrated Poetry — The old and the new Reader Travel — Travel section built by travelers Reading — The hunt for intellectuals Roam-O-Rama — SoCal's best hiking/biking trails San Diego Beer — Inside San Diego suds SD on the QT — Almost factual news Sheep and Goats — Places of worship Special Issues — The best of Street Style — San Diego streets have style Surf Diego — Real stories from those braving the waves Theater — On stage in San Diego this week Tin Fork — Silver spoon alternative Under the Radar — Matt Potter's undercover work Unforgettable — Long-ago San Diego Unreal Estate — San Diego's priciest pads Your Week — Daily event picks
4S Ranch Allied Gardens Alpine Baja Balboa Park Bankers Hill Barrio Logan Bay Ho Bay Park Black Mountain Ranch Blossom Valley Bonita Bonsall Borrego Springs Boulevard Campo Cardiff-by-the-Sea Carlsbad Carmel Mountain Carmel Valley Chollas View Chula Vista City College City Heights Clairemont College Area Coronado CSU San Marcos Cuyamaca College Del Cerro Del Mar Descanso Downtown San Diego Eastlake East Village El Cajon Emerald Hills Encanto Encinitas Escondido Fallbrook Fletcher Hills Golden Hill Grant Hill Grantville Grossmont College Guatay Harbor Island Hillcrest Imperial Beach Imperial Valley Jacumba Jamacha-Lomita Jamul Julian Kearny Mesa Kensington La Jolla Lakeside La Mesa Lemon Grove Leucadia Liberty Station Lincoln Acres Lincoln Park Linda Vista Little Italy Logan Heights Mesa College Midway District MiraCosta College Miramar Miramar College Mira Mesa Mission Beach Mission Hills Mission Valley Mountain View Mount Hope Mount Laguna National City Nestor Normal Heights North Park Oak Park Ocean Beach Oceanside Old Town Otay Mesa Pacific Beach Pala Palomar College Palomar Mountain Paradise Hills Pauma Valley Pine Valley Point Loma Point Loma Nazarene Potrero Poway Rainbow Ramona Rancho Bernardo Rancho Penasquitos Rancho San Diego Rancho Santa Fe Rolando San Carlos San Marcos San Onofre Santa Ysabel Santee San Ysidro Scripps Ranch SDSU Serra Mesa Shelltown Shelter Island Sherman Heights Skyline Solana Beach Sorrento Valley Southcrest South Park Southwestern College Spring Valley Stockton Talmadge Temecula Tierrasanta Tijuana UCSD University City University Heights USD Valencia Park Valley Center Vista Warner Springs
Close

Anchor ads are not supported on this page.