No, no, Noé! When does the viewer realize that the latest shocker from French bad boy Gaspar Noé (I Stand Alone) is a not-so thinly veiled remake of Suspiria? How about in one of the opening, less tedious long takes, when a TV monitor — bounded on the west by film books and on the east by VHS tapes — displays a montage of audition reels? The only video box that’s spine out, face up, and aimed directly at the camera is the one housing the Dario Argento cult classic. (In this case it’s a spiked punch bowl, not a coven of witches, that eats away at our dancing darlings.) The rest is a ballet of well-choreographed disgust that more often than not yields gales of unintentional snickers. (The frequent cutaways to the tripping tyke locked in a supply closet were the film’s one redeeming facet.) The director may have been targeting Suspiria, but his bombs landed closer to French Idol, Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo, or an episode of Fame.
Length: 1 hour, 35 minutes