Anchor ads are not supported on this page.

4S Ranch Allied Gardens Alpine Baja Balboa Park Bankers Hill Barrio Logan Bay Ho Bay Park Black Mountain Ranch Blossom Valley Bonita Bonsall Borrego Springs Boulevard Campo Cardiff-by-the-Sea Carlsbad Carmel Mountain Carmel Valley Chollas View Chula Vista City College City Heights Clairemont College Area Coronado CSU San Marcos Cuyamaca College Del Cerro Del Mar Descanso Downtown San Diego Eastlake East Village El Cajon Emerald Hills Encanto Encinitas Escondido Fallbrook Fletcher Hills Golden Hill Grant Hill Grantville Grossmont College Guatay Harbor Island Hillcrest Imperial Beach Imperial Valley Jacumba Jamacha-Lomita Jamul Julian Kearny Mesa Kensington La Jolla Lakeside La Mesa Lemon Grove Leucadia Liberty Station Lincoln Acres Lincoln Park Linda Vista Little Italy Logan Heights Mesa College Midway District MiraCosta College Miramar Miramar College Mira Mesa Mission Beach Mission Hills Mission Valley Mountain View Mount Hope Mount Laguna National City Nestor Normal Heights North Park Oak Park Ocean Beach Oceanside Old Town Otay Mesa Pacific Beach Pala Palomar College Palomar Mountain Paradise Hills Pauma Valley Pine Valley Point Loma Point Loma Nazarene Potrero Poway Rainbow Ramona Rancho Bernardo Rancho Penasquitos Rancho San Diego Rancho Santa Fe Rolando San Carlos San Marcos San Onofre Santa Ysabel Santee San Ysidro Scripps Ranch SDSU Serra Mesa Shelltown Shelter Island Sherman Heights Skyline Solana Beach Sorrento Valley Southcrest South Park Southwestern College Spring Valley Stockton Talmadge Temecula Tierrasanta Tijuana UCSD University City University Heights USD Valencia Park Valley Center Vista Warner Springs

But Now, The Truth Is Out!

Dunno why, but this seems legit:

Single mom needs food today! (normal Heights)

Probably because she doesn't overdo it with the laundry list of iniquities suffered at the hands of a cruel world. I tend to disapprove of the overzealous beggar, supporting instead what I believe to be a more sincere panhandling methodology. Speaking of suspicious, is it not slightly suspish that this person has three dish racks?

kitchen dishracks - $5 (Normal Heights)

Since when was one (1) insufficient to the task at hand? Strange... Much more practical a purchase than this, however:

Used Indo Board - Pro - $70 (Downtown)

Oooh! All the pain of falling off of a skateboard without the fun of actually going anywhere! Not quite ironic enough for a Runner-Up nod, however, since the Second Place Finish goes out to:

slammer strat copy - $100 (normal heights)

"Called the slammer hammer. Cant pass up a guitar called the slammer hammer." Oh yeah? Rilly? Call your bluff, brah.1 Still, not quite rad enough to win the Big Prize today. That honor goes to:

E-Book the Truth about ABS

"Turns out we just weren't ready for the truth..." -New York Times

"The truth, the awful truth, shall set you free." -Chicago Sun-Times

"It has to be read to be believed, we never suspected the ABS." -Boston Globe

"Thank god we found out the truth before it was too late!" -San Diego Union-Tribune

So, you've been living your whole life next to your ABS, never suspecting a thing? "Well, they're just my core muscles, aren't they?" you might have asked yourself. "What could we ever have to fear from the core?"

Well, you were wrong. Dead wrong.

Like a bolt of lightning from Zeus' own hand, the Truth about ABS shatters the myths and mysteries surrounding the core muscles. For generations the ABS have lurked in the murky darkness of the core, their real purpose kept secret from the other, skeletal muscles by the cunning deceptions which have marked the ABS time on Earth.

But now, the Truth is Out!

Sent from the deepest, darkest, spaciest depths of all deep, dark space, the ABS arrived in our galaxy some ten gajillion2 lightyears ago--in a distance when time meant something other than it will mean yesterday. Their purpose was unclear, as in that distance the ABS were naught but a formless, shapeless, spaceless, sizeless, gormless entity, without form, shape, space, size, or gorm to call their own. As the beardseconds passed and the expansion of the universe carried itself shakily onward by more than a few shakes of an admittedly shaky lamb's tail, the ABS grew sentient(ish) and their mission became clear(ish).

They were to destroy humankind. Sooner or later.

Eons3 passed and the ABS have still not made their move. Time is precious to us in this, the final showdown between man and core muscle. Will the rippling, six-pack-shaped terror from the furthest reaches of further reached space make good on that ancient promise goodly made before humankind ever slithered and grimed it's slithery, grimey way out of the primordial Minestrone? Is it true that the ABS represent a cosmic power more cosmically powerful than the Power Cosmic4 itself? Is our hopeless situation utterly without hope? Should we, in the face of our desperate situation, despair? Are we doomed by our impending doom? Will the coming Armageddon be anything short of apocalyptic?

Of course.

Not.

Not if the "Truth about ABS" has anything to say about it. Containing the raw, unfiltered, apocalypse-preventing power of Bruce Willis, Steve Buscemi, and Billy Bob Thornton (but not Ben Affleck) from Armageddon; Arnold Schwarzenegger from Terminator, Terminator 2 (but not 3), and Predator; Lori Petty from Tank Girl; Charlton Heston (in general); Harrison Ford from Blade Runner (and maybe The Fugitive, for the hell of it); and Keanu Reeves from the first Matrix movie, if anything packs the Wallop of Truth sufficient to the task of stopping the ABS, it is the "Truth about ABS."

Perhaps Michael Jordan said it best: "The 'Truth about ABS' is like eating your Wheaties, only with annihilating an ancient power hellbent on the destruction of human life as we know it!"

Notes
1. I was once slapped in the face with a raw steak following this exact phrase. I've worked in a lot of restaurants, and it's only a matter of time before some other cook waves a sirloin in your face and threatens to "hit you in the face with his meat" (crude innuendo, anyone?). Needless to say, I was stunned and slightly appalled at the cold, slimy, and entirely unexpected THWAP of a thee-quarter-pound cut of beef connecting with my cheek. Certainly an experience I won't willingly repeat.

2. Gajillions of laffs here.

3. Eon (n.): comical mispronunciation of my first name. Alternatively, the length of time separating the chaste thoughts of a teenage boy.

4. Not to be confused with The Power Cosmic. Obvi totes.

Here's something you might be interested in.
Submit a free classified
or view all

Previous article

Centennial Salute to San Diego’s Military, East Village Block Party, Birding Basics Class

Events March 29-March 30, 2024
Next Article

2024 continues to impress with yellowfin much closer to San Diego than they should be

New rockfish regulations coming this week as opener approaches

Dunno why, but this seems legit:

Single mom needs food today! (normal Heights)

Probably because she doesn't overdo it with the laundry list of iniquities suffered at the hands of a cruel world. I tend to disapprove of the overzealous beggar, supporting instead what I believe to be a more sincere panhandling methodology. Speaking of suspicious, is it not slightly suspish that this person has three dish racks?

kitchen dishracks - $5 (Normal Heights)

Since when was one (1) insufficient to the task at hand? Strange... Much more practical a purchase than this, however:

Used Indo Board - Pro - $70 (Downtown)

Oooh! All the pain of falling off of a skateboard without the fun of actually going anywhere! Not quite ironic enough for a Runner-Up nod, however, since the Second Place Finish goes out to:

slammer strat copy - $100 (normal heights)

"Called the slammer hammer. Cant pass up a guitar called the slammer hammer." Oh yeah? Rilly? Call your bluff, brah.1 Still, not quite rad enough to win the Big Prize today. That honor goes to:

E-Book the Truth about ABS

"Turns out we just weren't ready for the truth..." -New York Times

"The truth, the awful truth, shall set you free." -Chicago Sun-Times

"It has to be read to be believed, we never suspected the ABS." -Boston Globe

"Thank god we found out the truth before it was too late!" -San Diego Union-Tribune

So, you've been living your whole life next to your ABS, never suspecting a thing? "Well, they're just my core muscles, aren't they?" you might have asked yourself. "What could we ever have to fear from the core?"

Well, you were wrong. Dead wrong.

Like a bolt of lightning from Zeus' own hand, the Truth about ABS shatters the myths and mysteries surrounding the core muscles. For generations the ABS have lurked in the murky darkness of the core, their real purpose kept secret from the other, skeletal muscles by the cunning deceptions which have marked the ABS time on Earth.

But now, the Truth is Out!

Sent from the deepest, darkest, spaciest depths of all deep, dark space, the ABS arrived in our galaxy some ten gajillion2 lightyears ago--in a distance when time meant something other than it will mean yesterday. Their purpose was unclear, as in that distance the ABS were naught but a formless, shapeless, spaceless, sizeless, gormless entity, without form, shape, space, size, or gorm to call their own. As the beardseconds passed and the expansion of the universe carried itself shakily onward by more than a few shakes of an admittedly shaky lamb's tail, the ABS grew sentient(ish) and their mission became clear(ish).

They were to destroy humankind. Sooner or later.

Eons3 passed and the ABS have still not made their move. Time is precious to us in this, the final showdown between man and core muscle. Will the rippling, six-pack-shaped terror from the furthest reaches of further reached space make good on that ancient promise goodly made before humankind ever slithered and grimed it's slithery, grimey way out of the primordial Minestrone? Is it true that the ABS represent a cosmic power more cosmically powerful than the Power Cosmic4 itself? Is our hopeless situation utterly without hope? Should we, in the face of our desperate situation, despair? Are we doomed by our impending doom? Will the coming Armageddon be anything short of apocalyptic?

Of course.

Not.

Not if the "Truth about ABS" has anything to say about it. Containing the raw, unfiltered, apocalypse-preventing power of Bruce Willis, Steve Buscemi, and Billy Bob Thornton (but not Ben Affleck) from Armageddon; Arnold Schwarzenegger from Terminator, Terminator 2 (but not 3), and Predator; Lori Petty from Tank Girl; Charlton Heston (in general); Harrison Ford from Blade Runner (and maybe The Fugitive, for the hell of it); and Keanu Reeves from the first Matrix movie, if anything packs the Wallop of Truth sufficient to the task of stopping the ABS, it is the "Truth about ABS."

Perhaps Michael Jordan said it best: "The 'Truth about ABS' is like eating your Wheaties, only with annihilating an ancient power hellbent on the destruction of human life as we know it!"

Notes
1. I was once slapped in the face with a raw steak following this exact phrase. I've worked in a lot of restaurants, and it's only a matter of time before some other cook waves a sirloin in your face and threatens to "hit you in the face with his meat" (crude innuendo, anyone?). Needless to say, I was stunned and slightly appalled at the cold, slimy, and entirely unexpected THWAP of a thee-quarter-pound cut of beef connecting with my cheek. Certainly an experience I won't willingly repeat.

2. Gajillions of laffs here.

3. Eon (n.): comical mispronunciation of my first name. Alternatively, the length of time separating the chaste thoughts of a teenage boy.

4. Not to be confused with The Power Cosmic. Obvi totes.

Sponsored
Here's something you might be interested in.
Submit a free classified
or view all
Ask a Hipster — Advice you didn't know you needed Big Screen — Movie commentary Blurt — Music's inside track Booze News — San Diego spirits Classical Music — Immortal beauty Classifieds — Free and easy Cover Stories — Front-page features Drinks All Around — Bartenders' drink recipes Excerpts — Literary and spiritual excerpts Feast! — Food & drink reviews Feature Stories — Local news & stories Fishing Report — What’s getting hooked from ship and shore From the Archives — Spotlight on the past Golden Dreams — Talk of the town The Gonzo Report — Making the musical scene, or at least reporting from it Letters — Our inbox Movies@Home — Local movie buffs share favorites Movie Reviews — Our critics' picks and pans Musician Interviews — Up close with local artists Neighborhood News from Stringers — Hyperlocal news News Ticker — News & politics Obermeyer — San Diego politics illustrated Outdoors — Weekly changes in flora and fauna Overheard in San Diego — Eavesdropping illustrated Poetry — The old and the new Reader Travel — Travel section built by travelers Reading — The hunt for intellectuals Roam-O-Rama — SoCal's best hiking/biking trails San Diego Beer — Inside San Diego suds SD on the QT — Almost factual news Sheep and Goats — Places of worship Special Issues — The best of Street Style — San Diego streets have style Surf Diego — Real stories from those braving the waves Theater — On stage in San Diego this week Tin Fork — Silver spoon alternative Under the Radar — Matt Potter's undercover work Unforgettable — Long-ago San Diego Unreal Estate — San Diego's priciest pads Your Week — Daily event picks
4S Ranch Allied Gardens Alpine Baja Balboa Park Bankers Hill Barrio Logan Bay Ho Bay Park Black Mountain Ranch Blossom Valley Bonita Bonsall Borrego Springs Boulevard Campo Cardiff-by-the-Sea Carlsbad Carmel Mountain Carmel Valley Chollas View Chula Vista City College City Heights Clairemont College Area Coronado CSU San Marcos Cuyamaca College Del Cerro Del Mar Descanso Downtown San Diego Eastlake East Village El Cajon Emerald Hills Encanto Encinitas Escondido Fallbrook Fletcher Hills Golden Hill Grant Hill Grantville Grossmont College Guatay Harbor Island Hillcrest Imperial Beach Imperial Valley Jacumba Jamacha-Lomita Jamul Julian Kearny Mesa Kensington La Jolla Lakeside La Mesa Lemon Grove Leucadia Liberty Station Lincoln Acres Lincoln Park Linda Vista Little Italy Logan Heights Mesa College Midway District MiraCosta College Miramar Miramar College Mira Mesa Mission Beach Mission Hills Mission Valley Mountain View Mount Hope Mount Laguna National City Nestor Normal Heights North Park Oak Park Ocean Beach Oceanside Old Town Otay Mesa Pacific Beach Pala Palomar College Palomar Mountain Paradise Hills Pauma Valley Pine Valley Point Loma Point Loma Nazarene Potrero Poway Rainbow Ramona Rancho Bernardo Rancho Penasquitos Rancho San Diego Rancho Santa Fe Rolando San Carlos San Marcos San Onofre Santa Ysabel Santee San Ysidro Scripps Ranch SDSU Serra Mesa Shelltown Shelter Island Sherman Heights Skyline Solana Beach Sorrento Valley Southcrest South Park Southwestern College Spring Valley Stockton Talmadge Temecula Tierrasanta Tijuana UCSD University City University Heights USD Valencia Park Valley Center Vista Warner Springs
Close

Anchor ads are not supported on this page.