Review: Texas Chainsaw 3D

Will the first picture of 2013 also be its worst?

Out with the mold, in with the spew.

Will the first picture of 2013 also be its worst? The cast and crew of Texas Chainsaw 3D try their damnedest to make it so.

With six Chainsaws to reflect upon, one would hope that director John Luessenhop (Takers), eager to decorate the Leatherface family tree with crisp teen body parts, would have in the least unearthed a fresh meat hook or two upon which to hang his sequel.

The story picks up where Tobe Hooper’s 1974 original ends: a lynch mob torches the farm leaving Leath’ and his newborn cousin, Heather, the only Sawyers to survive the opening flashback.

Ingenuity begins and ends with the jokey premise -- Heatherface grows up to be a hottie (Alexandra Daddario) -- as the screenwriters leave every stone unturned in their dogged pursuit to inflict more of the same.

Taking a chainsaw to math: if Heatherface was born in 1974 and the action clearly takes place in 2012, wouldn’t that make Ms. Daddario the youngest-looking 38-year-old in Texas?

Whatever images your mind can arouse of Leatherface running roughshod over a packed carnival are bound to be more satisfying (and creative) than what’s splattered across the screen. The Creature did a better job when he left the Black Lagoon long enough to seek his revenge on Marineland.

If you're going to include the process in the title, at least see to it that the audience is given ample opportunities to duck. Shot in 3D on Red Epic Cameras, with the exception of a few proscenium-piercing lunges, the depth effects are negligible.

Luessenhop appears to have given his leading lady one expert piece of direction: keep your nipples covered and belly-button exposed at all times.

With Richard Riehle, Chainsaw veteran Bill Moseley, Scott Eastwood, and Tania Raymonde as the designated skank.

Related link: "The Texas Chainsaw interview that never was!"

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