Casting Candy Land

While Mr. Marks was busy hating on the brilliant high-concept vehicle that is (or should be) Tim Burton's Candy Land, I was busy casting the thing, striving for just the right mix of excellent character actors, former stars in need of a comeback, and outliers. I'll leave the kiddie leads to whomever is in charge of Hollywood's Fresh New Faces Department, but here are my thoughts for Candyland's denizens...

Many of the characters have appeared in different iterations over the years King Kandy, for instance has gone from a clear Danny "The Lorax" DeVito...

Image something much closer to Dick "Night at the Museum" Van Dyke:


But to keep things simple, I'll take just one iteration of the rest. Moving along, then, to Princess Frostine. That forehead, those wide-set eyes, that slightly damaged-yet-sweet expression. Why, it must be...Christina Ricci!


And her cheery counterpart, Lolly? Let's give Lindsay "Don't Mess With The" Lohan just one more shot, people:


The gangly, goofy Mr. Mint? Jim Carrey's agent is taking calls:


While the mysterious, flame-haired Lord Licorice could be Eric Stoltz's finest hour since Pulp Fiction:


Set against Licorice's brooding glare, the cheerful, earnest gallantry of John Krasinski as The Duke of Swirl:


And what of the matrons? Grandma Nutt? Kathy Bates.


And her sister, Grandma Gooey of Chocolate Mountain? Dame Maggie Smith!


Finally, Gloppy, an animated chocolate dude. Hello, Fat Albert, nice to see you again.


We can't lose, people.

More like this:


Don't you ever get tired of doing Hollywood's work for them?

Sometimes. Especially since they're not paying me. Sigh.

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