Horton Plaza announces new free parking plan

"4S Parking Pass" seeks to maintain GHQ

Won't somebody please think of the hotties?

SAFELY INSIDE THE VELVET ROPE, FLUXX NIGHTCLUB - San Diego's Gaslamp has been in an uproar ever since Westfield Horton Plaza announced yesterday that it would no longer provide free validated parking for the many people who use the mall's garage while they get their groove on at the neighborhood's many restaurants, bars, and clubs. Many owners worried that, without free parking, the GHQ, or Gaslamp Hottie Quotient, would drop to unsustainable levels.

"Unattached young hotties are the engine of nightlife," said FLUXX owner Burl Grabasski. "Everybody knows that. Without them, you might as well be running a sports bar. But here's the thing about unattached young hotties: they don't, as a rule, have a lot of money. That's why they come here, where interested young men will buy them drinks and dinner, and, if everything goes well, a room at the Ivy. It's not rocket science. But if we start making these poor girls pay $10 for their parking - if we ask them to make a financial commitment at the start of an evening, while they're still sober - then the whole system breaks down. It could mean the end of the Gaslamp."

Horton Plaza officials initially considered a compromise called Panty Parking, which would allow hotties to purchase a $3 G-string from a panty vending machine outside of the mall's Victoria Secret store. Receipts from the machine would then serve as parking validation. But when it was pointed out that unattractive women - or even men - could use the machine, the plan was quickly scrapped, because, said Grabasski,"Ew."

Happily, the Galamp Business Association has banded together to find a workable solution: the 4S Parking Pass. "Hotties will be able to obtain free parking validation by passing through a full-body scanner, similar to the ones you see in airports," explained Grabasski. "The machine will analyze the hottie and her outfit according to the 4S criteria: shape of body, snugness of outfit, sexiness of outfit, and quantity of exposed skin. If she meets the minimum requirements in all four categories, the scanner will issue a parking pass good for four hours, plus a coupon for a half-priced cocktail at participating Gaslamp establishments. Because sometimes you don't want to wait for someone to buy you that first drink of the night."

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