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My plan: cross street, hide in bushes, run for help, head for nearest porch, scream

A small, green pea of panic

It’s twilight. Walking deeper than usual into my loop of a route (no backtracking!), past the point when I’ll let myself turn around. Now I’m pumped. Now the songs on the Walkman make my gait pop, arms swing, calves flex, heels dig.

The tape ends with a click, and I fumble for the eject button. The sun has sunk, coastal clouds coming in. Shadows fade, and I welcome the beam of an oncoming car, another corner’s streetlight. I am just far enough from home, just nearsighted enough, to register a small, green pea of panic. My stride steps up. I zip my sweatshirt. A breeze snaps at the back of my neck, where earphones dangle and sweat cools.

Street-tough assembly up ahead. Three or four of them. Feels like high school, walking past the “hard guys” — the ones who smoked and swaggered. Rap music comes in waves, fades in and out from a swinging boom box. What hip-hop step did I learn in aerobics? What move mimed to Janet Jackson can I pass off for cool? Bravada might be misinterpreted, so I bring my broad shoulders in, lower my head. I pass up a short cut; I don’t trust alleys now.

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I compose a tentative crisis itinerary — just in case:

  • Cross street
  • Hide in bushes
  • Run for help
  • Head for nearest porch
  • Scream

“ ... Five more miles to go now ...” I sing to myself, weakly. “My feet are hurtin’ mighty bad—“ I hear footsteps behind me. Loud talk. Drunk talk? An adrenalin rush of apprehension, the false energy of fear. I imagine superwoman strength — “I don’t know what came over me! You know how a mother will lift the car off her child?” — but I am naive. I turn the next comer, do a half-skip, the start of a trot and stop. Heart pounds in my ears. It is dark; no more blue hour between sunset and nightfall. I’m squinting now — scattered lights blur at their edges and look like tangible stars.

Almost back in residential territory. The thought of stalkers seems silly. The footsteps I heard were probably a couple homeless guys. Vons clerks on an evening cart corral. Six blocks and I’m on my own turf, with its bougainvillea and birds of paradise. I slow down, breathe in the heady scent of night-blooming jasmine. I gaze — fuzzily — past the freeway, out at the harbor, down to the airport, over to downtown. The night is sparkling.

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It’s twilight. Walking deeper than usual into my loop of a route (no backtracking!), past the point when I’ll let myself turn around. Now I’m pumped. Now the songs on the Walkman make my gait pop, arms swing, calves flex, heels dig.

The tape ends with a click, and I fumble for the eject button. The sun has sunk, coastal clouds coming in. Shadows fade, and I welcome the beam of an oncoming car, another corner’s streetlight. I am just far enough from home, just nearsighted enough, to register a small, green pea of panic. My stride steps up. I zip my sweatshirt. A breeze snaps at the back of my neck, where earphones dangle and sweat cools.

Street-tough assembly up ahead. Three or four of them. Feels like high school, walking past the “hard guys” — the ones who smoked and swaggered. Rap music comes in waves, fades in and out from a swinging boom box. What hip-hop step did I learn in aerobics? What move mimed to Janet Jackson can I pass off for cool? Bravada might be misinterpreted, so I bring my broad shoulders in, lower my head. I pass up a short cut; I don’t trust alleys now.

Sponsored
Sponsored

I compose a tentative crisis itinerary — just in case:

  • Cross street
  • Hide in bushes
  • Run for help
  • Head for nearest porch
  • Scream

“ ... Five more miles to go now ...” I sing to myself, weakly. “My feet are hurtin’ mighty bad—“ I hear footsteps behind me. Loud talk. Drunk talk? An adrenalin rush of apprehension, the false energy of fear. I imagine superwoman strength — “I don’t know what came over me! You know how a mother will lift the car off her child?” — but I am naive. I turn the next comer, do a half-skip, the start of a trot and stop. Heart pounds in my ears. It is dark; no more blue hour between sunset and nightfall. I’m squinting now — scattered lights blur at their edges and look like tangible stars.

Almost back in residential territory. The thought of stalkers seems silly. The footsteps I heard were probably a couple homeless guys. Vons clerks on an evening cart corral. Six blocks and I’m on my own turf, with its bougainvillea and birds of paradise. I slow down, breathe in the heady scent of night-blooming jasmine. I gaze — fuzzily — past the freeway, out at the harbor, down to the airport, over to downtown. The night is sparkling.

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San Diego Reader 2024 Music & Arts Issue

Favorite fakers: Baby Bushka, Fleetwood Max, Electric Waste Band, Oceans, Geezer – plus upcoming tribute schedule
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Ask a Hipster — Advice you didn't know you needed Big Screen — Movie commentary Blurt — Music's inside track Booze News — San Diego spirits Classical Music — Immortal beauty Classifieds — Free and easy Cover Stories — Front-page features Drinks All Around — Bartenders' drink recipes Excerpts — Literary and spiritual excerpts Feast! — Food & drink reviews Feature Stories — Local news & stories Fishing Report — What’s getting hooked from ship and shore From the Archives — Spotlight on the past Golden Dreams — Talk of the town The Gonzo Report — Making the musical scene, or at least reporting from it Letters — Our inbox Movies@Home — Local movie buffs share favorites Movie Reviews — Our critics' picks and pans Musician Interviews — Up close with local artists Neighborhood News from Stringers — Hyperlocal news News Ticker — News & politics Obermeyer — San Diego politics illustrated Outdoors — Weekly changes in flora and fauna Overheard in San Diego — Eavesdropping illustrated Poetry — The old and the new Reader Travel — Travel section built by travelers Reading — The hunt for intellectuals Roam-O-Rama — SoCal's best hiking/biking trails San Diego Beer — Inside San Diego suds SD on the QT — Almost factual news Sheep and Goats — Places of worship Special Issues — The best of Street Style — San Diego streets have style Surf Diego — Real stories from those braving the waves Theater — On stage in San Diego this week Tin Fork — Silver spoon alternative Under the Radar — Matt Potter's undercover work Unforgettable — Long-ago San Diego Unreal Estate — San Diego's priciest pads Your Week — Daily event picks
4S Ranch Allied Gardens Alpine Baja Balboa Park Bankers Hill Barrio Logan Bay Ho Bay Park Black Mountain Ranch Blossom Valley Bonita Bonsall Borrego Springs Boulevard Campo Cardiff-by-the-Sea Carlsbad Carmel Mountain Carmel Valley Chollas View Chula Vista City College City Heights Clairemont College Area Coronado CSU San Marcos Cuyamaca College Del Cerro Del Mar Descanso Downtown San Diego Eastlake East Village El Cajon Emerald Hills Encanto Encinitas Escondido Fallbrook Fletcher Hills Golden Hill Grant Hill Grantville Grossmont College Guatay Harbor Island Hillcrest Imperial Beach Imperial Valley Jacumba Jamacha-Lomita Jamul Julian Kearny Mesa Kensington La Jolla Lakeside La Mesa Lemon Grove Leucadia Liberty Station Lincoln Acres Lincoln Park Linda Vista Little Italy Logan Heights Mesa College Midway District MiraCosta College Miramar Miramar College Mira Mesa Mission Beach Mission Hills Mission Valley Mountain View Mount Hope Mount Laguna National City Nestor Normal Heights North Park Oak Park Ocean Beach Oceanside Old Town Otay Mesa Pacific Beach Pala Palomar College Palomar Mountain Paradise Hills Pauma Valley Pine Valley Point Loma Point Loma Nazarene Potrero Poway Rainbow Ramona Rancho Bernardo Rancho Penasquitos Rancho San Diego Rancho Santa Fe Rolando San Carlos San Marcos San Onofre Santa Ysabel Santee San Ysidro Scripps Ranch SDSU Serra Mesa Shelltown Shelter Island Sherman Heights Skyline Solana Beach Sorrento Valley Southcrest South Park Southwestern College Spring Valley Stockton Talmadge Temecula Tierrasanta Tijuana UCSD University City University Heights USD Valencia Park Valley Center Vista Warner Springs
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