Anchor ads are not supported on this page.

4S Ranch Allied Gardens Alpine Baja Balboa Park Bankers Hill Barrio Logan Bay Ho Bay Park Black Mountain Ranch Blossom Valley Bonita Bonsall Borrego Springs Boulevard Campo Cardiff-by-the-Sea Carlsbad Carmel Mountain Carmel Valley Chollas View Chula Vista City College City Heights Clairemont College Area Coronado CSU San Marcos Cuyamaca College Del Cerro Del Mar Descanso Downtown San Diego Eastlake East Village El Cajon Emerald Hills Encanto Encinitas Escondido Fallbrook Fletcher Hills Golden Hill Grant Hill Grantville Grossmont College Guatay Harbor Island Hillcrest Imperial Beach Imperial Valley Jacumba Jamacha-Lomita Jamul Julian Kearny Mesa Kensington La Jolla Lakeside La Mesa Lemon Grove Leucadia Liberty Station Lincoln Acres Lincoln Park Linda Vista Little Italy Logan Heights Mesa College Midway District MiraCosta College Miramar Miramar College Mira Mesa Mission Beach Mission Hills Mission Valley Mountain View Mount Hope Mount Laguna National City Nestor Normal Heights North Park Oak Park Ocean Beach Oceanside Old Town Otay Mesa Pacific Beach Pala Palomar College Palomar Mountain Paradise Hills Pauma Valley Pine Valley Point Loma Point Loma Nazarene Potrero Poway Rainbow Ramona Rancho Bernardo Rancho Penasquitos Rancho San Diego Rancho Santa Fe Rolando San Carlos San Marcos San Onofre Santa Ysabel Santee San Ysidro Scripps Ranch SDSU Serra Mesa Shelltown Shelter Island Sherman Heights Skyline Solana Beach Sorrento Valley Southcrest South Park Southwestern College Spring Valley Stockton Talmadge Temecula Tierrasanta Tijuana UCSD University City University Heights USD Valencia Park Valley Center Vista Warner Springs

Everything is my fault

Math reassures in a Down syndrome wilderness

Celebrity chef Thomas Keller won’t miss the salvia sproutling that Cayden destroyed when he fell into a flower bed outside of Ad Hoc restaurant.
Celebrity chef Thomas Keller won’t miss the salvia sproutling that Cayden destroyed when he fell into a flower bed outside of Ad Hoc restaurant.

Title: Daddy, medium-well

Address: http://daddymediumw…">daddymediumwell.wor…

From: North Park

Blogging since: March 2013

Post Date: April 21, 2013

“Daddy, what’s 6×2?”

Here we go. In Cayden’s world, “What’s 6×2?” is a conversation starter, the equivalent of “How are you?” We’re heading out of Napa. We’ve had Thomas Keller’s ‘Ad Hoc’ for dinner, and I’ve yet to shed the cardigan, blazer, and tie I wore for the occasion. It’s increasingly warm here at the back of the minivan with Cayden. I can’t impress upon him why it is I’m so dressed up, Ad Hoc being a bucket-list restaurant of mine. I actually saw chef Thomas Keller today, just a few doors up the street. We had stopped the van momentarily so I could take a picture of the French Laundry, Keller’s famed four-star establishment. He was on the back patio in chef’s whites addressing the service staff. (This is my version of a celebrity sighting.)

 Hey: Keller won the Bocuse d’Or. I just make a mean risotto.

 “Daddy, what’s 6×2?”

Sponsored
Sponsored

 “Twelve. You know that.”

 “What’s 40×10?”

 “Four thousand.”

Cayden escalates the math. He is fond of the numbers 42 and 68. Usually, he wields them in a rather magnanimous fashion, the numbers representing his immense “like” of something. As in: “Daddy, I love you 42 68 eleventy BILLION.” But tonight, it’s “What’s 42×68?” Like a challenge.

I remove my tie and cardigan. My belly’s warm. I’m not used to eating so much, so late. But despite the food and the IPA flight, I answer correctly. I’ve forgotten my calculus over the years, but not my arithmetic.

 “2856. Hey, Cayden: why all the questions?”

 “Daddy — you know all the answers.’

No, I don’t.

“I just wanna know all the answers before I’m in first grade,” Cayden announces. This seems a reasonable time frame. Why not? That’s when I knew all the answers, too, by virtue of there not being that many questions.

“Dad-DEE!” Now Cayden’s looking to find comfort against the constraints of his seatbelt, and he fingers me as the source of his unrest. “You’re making me uncomfortable!” It’s not me, of course; it’s the car seat and its tangle of straps. But this is how Cayden sees me these days: I am at once the source of all answers and the wellspring of frustration. Everything is my fault.

Cayden falls asleep, and I am left to think. When I’m not the go-to arithmetician, I’m simply to blame.

Listen: if I discipline Cayden, I am told I’m “breaking his heart”; if I dare raise my voice in those heated parenting moments, my portrait is drawn with fangs in chalk on the sidewalk; if I make one mistake in doling out consequence, use one poorly chosen word, I’m the guilty one. I’m the one that needs reining in.

“Cayden: this is your own damn fault!” (This may be about relinquishing the iPad or refusing a bath, just something that has escalated into a pitting of wills and the earning of consequence.)

“No! It’s YOUR fault Daddy!” And as I play into this exchange, it becomes my fault. I’ve forgotten the cardinal rule that he’s just testing my boundaries to make sure I’m still in charge and that he is safe. Guilt becomes something free-floating — this has probably gone too far — and, as words are exchanged, that guilt is quickly lent substance.

Listen: I’m too angry; I’m damaging him.

I prop Cayden up as he sleeps and I’m suddenly apologetic as the lights illuminate his face in periodic fashion. “Didn’t mean to bark at you, Cayden, when you fell into the garden bed outside Ad Hoc. You certainly fucked up your Easter linens, though.” (For chrissake: he was being a BOY. Simply, and without the thought of reining it in. Keller’s not gonna miss the loss of a salvia sproutling).

Doesn’t matter what I have or haven’t done; that guilt I always feel when disciplining Cayden becomes something real, and it finds deposit in recollections of my guiltiest moments.

I’m sorry I yelled at you, Cayden. Tomorrow we’ll do better. Sorry I punched a dent into your wall at age two, and that you actually remember that.

[Post edited for length]

Here's something you might be interested in.
Submit a free classified
or view all
Previous article

Flowering pear trees in Kensington not that nice

Empty dirt plots in front of Ken Cinema
Next Article

Flowering pear trees in Kensington not that nice

Empty dirt plots in front of Ken Cinema
Celebrity chef Thomas Keller won’t miss the salvia sproutling that Cayden destroyed when he fell into a flower bed outside of Ad Hoc restaurant.
Celebrity chef Thomas Keller won’t miss the salvia sproutling that Cayden destroyed when he fell into a flower bed outside of Ad Hoc restaurant.

Title: Daddy, medium-well

Address: http://daddymediumw…">daddymediumwell.wor…

From: North Park

Blogging since: March 2013

Post Date: April 21, 2013

“Daddy, what’s 6×2?”

Here we go. In Cayden’s world, “What’s 6×2?” is a conversation starter, the equivalent of “How are you?” We’re heading out of Napa. We’ve had Thomas Keller’s ‘Ad Hoc’ for dinner, and I’ve yet to shed the cardigan, blazer, and tie I wore for the occasion. It’s increasingly warm here at the back of the minivan with Cayden. I can’t impress upon him why it is I’m so dressed up, Ad Hoc being a bucket-list restaurant of mine. I actually saw chef Thomas Keller today, just a few doors up the street. We had stopped the van momentarily so I could take a picture of the French Laundry, Keller’s famed four-star establishment. He was on the back patio in chef’s whites addressing the service staff. (This is my version of a celebrity sighting.)

 Hey: Keller won the Bocuse d’Or. I just make a mean risotto.

 “Daddy, what’s 6×2?”

Sponsored
Sponsored

 “Twelve. You know that.”

 “What’s 40×10?”

 “Four thousand.”

Cayden escalates the math. He is fond of the numbers 42 and 68. Usually, he wields them in a rather magnanimous fashion, the numbers representing his immense “like” of something. As in: “Daddy, I love you 42 68 eleventy BILLION.” But tonight, it’s “What’s 42×68?” Like a challenge.

I remove my tie and cardigan. My belly’s warm. I’m not used to eating so much, so late. But despite the food and the IPA flight, I answer correctly. I’ve forgotten my calculus over the years, but not my arithmetic.

 “2856. Hey, Cayden: why all the questions?”

 “Daddy — you know all the answers.’

No, I don’t.

“I just wanna know all the answers before I’m in first grade,” Cayden announces. This seems a reasonable time frame. Why not? That’s when I knew all the answers, too, by virtue of there not being that many questions.

“Dad-DEE!” Now Cayden’s looking to find comfort against the constraints of his seatbelt, and he fingers me as the source of his unrest. “You’re making me uncomfortable!” It’s not me, of course; it’s the car seat and its tangle of straps. But this is how Cayden sees me these days: I am at once the source of all answers and the wellspring of frustration. Everything is my fault.

Cayden falls asleep, and I am left to think. When I’m not the go-to arithmetician, I’m simply to blame.

Listen: if I discipline Cayden, I am told I’m “breaking his heart”; if I dare raise my voice in those heated parenting moments, my portrait is drawn with fangs in chalk on the sidewalk; if I make one mistake in doling out consequence, use one poorly chosen word, I’m the guilty one. I’m the one that needs reining in.

“Cayden: this is your own damn fault!” (This may be about relinquishing the iPad or refusing a bath, just something that has escalated into a pitting of wills and the earning of consequence.)

“No! It’s YOUR fault Daddy!” And as I play into this exchange, it becomes my fault. I’ve forgotten the cardinal rule that he’s just testing my boundaries to make sure I’m still in charge and that he is safe. Guilt becomes something free-floating — this has probably gone too far — and, as words are exchanged, that guilt is quickly lent substance.

Listen: I’m too angry; I’m damaging him.

I prop Cayden up as he sleeps and I’m suddenly apologetic as the lights illuminate his face in periodic fashion. “Didn’t mean to bark at you, Cayden, when you fell into the garden bed outside Ad Hoc. You certainly fucked up your Easter linens, though.” (For chrissake: he was being a BOY. Simply, and without the thought of reining it in. Keller’s not gonna miss the loss of a salvia sproutling).

Doesn’t matter what I have or haven’t done; that guilt I always feel when disciplining Cayden becomes something real, and it finds deposit in recollections of my guiltiest moments.

I’m sorry I yelled at you, Cayden. Tomorrow we’ll do better. Sorry I punched a dent into your wall at age two, and that you actually remember that.

[Post edited for length]

Comments
Sponsored
Here's something you might be interested in.
Submit a free classified
or view all
Previous article

San Diego Reader 2024 Music & Arts Issue

Favorite fakers: Baby Bushka, Fleetwood Max, Electric Waste Band, Oceans, Geezer – plus upcoming tribute schedule
Next Article

Best Sports Betting Sites - 10 Online Sportsbooks Ranked for 2024

Best Sports Betting Sites (2024) - Reviews of TOP Online Sportsbooks
Comments
Ask a Hipster — Advice you didn't know you needed Big Screen — Movie commentary Blurt — Music's inside track Booze News — San Diego spirits Classical Music — Immortal beauty Classifieds — Free and easy Cover Stories — Front-page features Drinks All Around — Bartenders' drink recipes Excerpts — Literary and spiritual excerpts Feast! — Food & drink reviews Feature Stories — Local news & stories Fishing Report — What’s getting hooked from ship and shore From the Archives — Spotlight on the past Golden Dreams — Talk of the town The Gonzo Report — Making the musical scene, or at least reporting from it Letters — Our inbox Movies@Home — Local movie buffs share favorites Movie Reviews — Our critics' picks and pans Musician Interviews — Up close with local artists Neighborhood News from Stringers — Hyperlocal news News Ticker — News & politics Obermeyer — San Diego politics illustrated Outdoors — Weekly changes in flora and fauna Overheard in San Diego — Eavesdropping illustrated Poetry — The old and the new Reader Travel — Travel section built by travelers Reading — The hunt for intellectuals Roam-O-Rama — SoCal's best hiking/biking trails San Diego Beer — Inside San Diego suds SD on the QT — Almost factual news Sheep and Goats — Places of worship Special Issues — The best of Street Style — San Diego streets have style Surf Diego — Real stories from those braving the waves Theater — On stage in San Diego this week Tin Fork — Silver spoon alternative Under the Radar — Matt Potter's undercover work Unforgettable — Long-ago San Diego Unreal Estate — San Diego's priciest pads Your Week — Daily event picks
4S Ranch Allied Gardens Alpine Baja Balboa Park Bankers Hill Barrio Logan Bay Ho Bay Park Black Mountain Ranch Blossom Valley Bonita Bonsall Borrego Springs Boulevard Campo Cardiff-by-the-Sea Carlsbad Carmel Mountain Carmel Valley Chollas View Chula Vista City College City Heights Clairemont College Area Coronado CSU San Marcos Cuyamaca College Del Cerro Del Mar Descanso Downtown San Diego Eastlake East Village El Cajon Emerald Hills Encanto Encinitas Escondido Fallbrook Fletcher Hills Golden Hill Grant Hill Grantville Grossmont College Guatay Harbor Island Hillcrest Imperial Beach Imperial Valley Jacumba Jamacha-Lomita Jamul Julian Kearny Mesa Kensington La Jolla Lakeside La Mesa Lemon Grove Leucadia Liberty Station Lincoln Acres Lincoln Park Linda Vista Little Italy Logan Heights Mesa College Midway District MiraCosta College Miramar Miramar College Mira Mesa Mission Beach Mission Hills Mission Valley Mountain View Mount Hope Mount Laguna National City Nestor Normal Heights North Park Oak Park Ocean Beach Oceanside Old Town Otay Mesa Pacific Beach Pala Palomar College Palomar Mountain Paradise Hills Pauma Valley Pine Valley Point Loma Point Loma Nazarene Potrero Poway Rainbow Ramona Rancho Bernardo Rancho Penasquitos Rancho San Diego Rancho Santa Fe Rolando San Carlos San Marcos San Onofre Santa Ysabel Santee San Ysidro Scripps Ranch SDSU Serra Mesa Shelltown Shelter Island Sherman Heights Skyline Solana Beach Sorrento Valley Southcrest South Park Southwestern College Spring Valley Stockton Talmadge Temecula Tierrasanta Tijuana UCSD University City University Heights USD Valencia Park Valley Center Vista Warner Springs
Close

Anchor ads are not supported on this page.