Anchor ads are not supported on this page.

4S Ranch Allied Gardens Alpine Baja Balboa Park Bankers Hill Barrio Logan Bay Ho Bay Park Black Mountain Ranch Blossom Valley Bonita Bonsall Borrego Springs Boulevard Campo Cardiff-by-the-Sea Carlsbad Carmel Mountain Carmel Valley Chollas View Chula Vista City College City Heights Clairemont College Area Coronado CSU San Marcos Cuyamaca College Del Cerro Del Mar Descanso Downtown San Diego Eastlake East Village El Cajon Emerald Hills Encanto Encinitas Escondido Fallbrook Fletcher Hills Golden Hill Grant Hill Grantville Grossmont College Guatay Harbor Island Hillcrest Imperial Beach Imperial Valley Jacumba Jamacha-Lomita Jamul Julian Kearny Mesa Kensington La Jolla Lakeside La Mesa Lemon Grove Leucadia Liberty Station Lincoln Acres Lincoln Park Linda Vista Little Italy Logan Heights Mesa College Midway District MiraCosta College Miramar Miramar College Mira Mesa Mission Beach Mission Hills Mission Valley Mountain View Mount Hope Mount Laguna National City Nestor Normal Heights North Park Oak Park Ocean Beach Oceanside Old Town Otay Mesa Pacific Beach Pala Palomar College Palomar Mountain Paradise Hills Pauma Valley Pine Valley Point Loma Point Loma Nazarene Potrero Poway Rainbow Ramona Rancho Bernardo Rancho Penasquitos Rancho San Diego Rancho Santa Fe Rolando San Carlos San Marcos San Onofre Santa Ysabel Santee San Ysidro Scripps Ranch SDSU Serra Mesa Shelltown Shelter Island Sherman Heights Skyline Solana Beach Sorrento Valley Southcrest South Park Southwestern College Spring Valley Stockton Talmadge Temecula Tierrasanta Tijuana UCSD University City University Heights USD Valencia Park Valley Center Vista Warner Springs

Fade In

Harbaugh brothers Jim and John brought drama to the playoffs. Let’s return the favor...
Harbaugh brothers Jim and John brought drama to the playoffs. Let’s return the favor...

EXT. A TELEPHONE BOOTH. BALTIMORE ALLEY. RAINY. LATE NIGHT.

Baltimore head coach John Harbaugh is drunk, drool and spittle ooze from his mouth, flows down his chin and cheeks, then gathers itself and drips onto a grimy telephone handset.

JOHN

Ugh, ugh, guh, gug, gah, gug.

ANGLE INT. KITCHEN IN UPSCALE PALO ALTO HOME. NIGHT. WE SEE A SOBER JIM HARBAUGH, SAN FRANCISCO HEAD COACH, GRIP HIS iPHONE.

JIM

What are you doing in a phone booth?

Sponsored
Sponsored

JOHN

I don’t deserve a cell phone.

JIM (sighs)

Your team played ugly. You had so many chances to win and blew every one.

JOHN (takes a double swallow from a bottle of scotch)

Fucking Flacco scumbag. And that punk, Lee Evans, drops a pass in the end zone. FUCKING END ZONE! Ball hits him in the gut, 27 seconds left in the game, and he drops the BALL! Make the catch and we’re in the Super Bowl. But, OH NO, instead of being four points ahead, fuckhead drops the ball, or has it stripped, same thing. Fucking worthless mutant.

JIM

You think that’s bad? Alex Smith went all Alex Smith on me. The sniveling son of a bitch reverted to his old self in the fourth quarter. Couldn’t take the pressure. Nothing but shit passes. Couldn’t throw the ball to a receiver who wasn’t double-covered.

JOHN (ignores his brother, takes another slosh of scotch)

Then, we get the ball back. Incredible. Miracle. Fifteen seconds left in the game, little boy Cundiff has a 32-yard chip shot, a gimme of a field goal to tie and go into overtime. And the puke MISSES! Choke-ass son of a bitch MISSES THE GIMME!

INT. MEQUON, WISCONSIN, DEN. (Dad, Jack Harbaugh, comes on the line)

DAD

John, son, that was an ugly, ugly game.

JOHN (gulps down another slug of scotch)

Not as ugly as the time you ran over my tennis racket in the driveway. Remember how you LAUGHED?

MOM (Jackie pulls the phone from Dad)

Johnny, dear, your father’s right, that was ugly.

JOHN (guzzles the rest of the scotch)

YES, I KNOW, MOTHER! Remember how ugly it was when you told the police I wasn’t your child? By the way, do you have ANY IDEA how much I hate Baltimore and this funky-ass franchise? Art Modell and the fucking storybook Baltimore Colts. La-de-da. It never ends. Besides, what about Jim? His team sucked, too.

INT. BLOOMINGTON, INDIANA, LIVING ROOM (sister Joani is on the line)

JOANI

John boy, lousy game. Ugly. Are you drinking again?

JOHN (smashes the telephone booth door with his head)

I WASN’T DRUNK DURING THE GAME! What about Jim? Little brother always gets off. Always takes the easy way home. His big-deal punt returner, Kyle Williams, fumbles TWO punt returns, the last one in overtime, which puts the ball on the 24-yard line and LOSES THE GAME! And what about precious-teacher’s-pet quarterback Alex Smith? He couldn’t make a third down all day. He went 1-13 on THIRD DOWNS! Fourth quarter, money time, everything on the line, and he was PATHETIC! He CHOKED! Why aren’t you all on Jim’s ass? Why isn’t he Mr. Ugly Game?

MOM, DAD, SIS, BROTHER (in unison)

IT’S MORE FUN WHEN YOU LOSE!!!

Here's something you might be interested in.
Submit a free classified
or view all
Previous article

OSHA rules wall falls our fault

Who, U.S.?
Next Article

San Diego's Uptown Planners challenged by renters from Vibrant Uptown

Two La Jolla planning groups fight for predominance
Harbaugh brothers Jim and John brought drama to the playoffs. Let’s return the favor...
Harbaugh brothers Jim and John brought drama to the playoffs. Let’s return the favor...

EXT. A TELEPHONE BOOTH. BALTIMORE ALLEY. RAINY. LATE NIGHT.

Baltimore head coach John Harbaugh is drunk, drool and spittle ooze from his mouth, flows down his chin and cheeks, then gathers itself and drips onto a grimy telephone handset.

JOHN

Ugh, ugh, guh, gug, gah, gug.

ANGLE INT. KITCHEN IN UPSCALE PALO ALTO HOME. NIGHT. WE SEE A SOBER JIM HARBAUGH, SAN FRANCISCO HEAD COACH, GRIP HIS iPHONE.

JIM

What are you doing in a phone booth?

Sponsored
Sponsored

JOHN

I don’t deserve a cell phone.

JIM (sighs)

Your team played ugly. You had so many chances to win and blew every one.

JOHN (takes a double swallow from a bottle of scotch)

Fucking Flacco scumbag. And that punk, Lee Evans, drops a pass in the end zone. FUCKING END ZONE! Ball hits him in the gut, 27 seconds left in the game, and he drops the BALL! Make the catch and we’re in the Super Bowl. But, OH NO, instead of being four points ahead, fuckhead drops the ball, or has it stripped, same thing. Fucking worthless mutant.

JIM

You think that’s bad? Alex Smith went all Alex Smith on me. The sniveling son of a bitch reverted to his old self in the fourth quarter. Couldn’t take the pressure. Nothing but shit passes. Couldn’t throw the ball to a receiver who wasn’t double-covered.

JOHN (ignores his brother, takes another slosh of scotch)

Then, we get the ball back. Incredible. Miracle. Fifteen seconds left in the game, little boy Cundiff has a 32-yard chip shot, a gimme of a field goal to tie and go into overtime. And the puke MISSES! Choke-ass son of a bitch MISSES THE GIMME!

INT. MEQUON, WISCONSIN, DEN. (Dad, Jack Harbaugh, comes on the line)

DAD

John, son, that was an ugly, ugly game.

JOHN (gulps down another slug of scotch)

Not as ugly as the time you ran over my tennis racket in the driveway. Remember how you LAUGHED?

MOM (Jackie pulls the phone from Dad)

Johnny, dear, your father’s right, that was ugly.

JOHN (guzzles the rest of the scotch)

YES, I KNOW, MOTHER! Remember how ugly it was when you told the police I wasn’t your child? By the way, do you have ANY IDEA how much I hate Baltimore and this funky-ass franchise? Art Modell and the fucking storybook Baltimore Colts. La-de-da. It never ends. Besides, what about Jim? His team sucked, too.

INT. BLOOMINGTON, INDIANA, LIVING ROOM (sister Joani is on the line)

JOANI

John boy, lousy game. Ugly. Are you drinking again?

JOHN (smashes the telephone booth door with his head)

I WASN’T DRUNK DURING THE GAME! What about Jim? Little brother always gets off. Always takes the easy way home. His big-deal punt returner, Kyle Williams, fumbles TWO punt returns, the last one in overtime, which puts the ball on the 24-yard line and LOSES THE GAME! And what about precious-teacher’s-pet quarterback Alex Smith? He couldn’t make a third down all day. He went 1-13 on THIRD DOWNS! Fourth quarter, money time, everything on the line, and he was PATHETIC! He CHOKED! Why aren’t you all on Jim’s ass? Why isn’t he Mr. Ugly Game?

MOM, DAD, SIS, BROTHER (in unison)

IT’S MORE FUN WHEN YOU LOSE!!!

Comments
Sponsored
Here's something you might be interested in.
Submit a free classified
or view all
Previous article

San Diego Reader 2024 Music & Arts Issue

Favorite fakers: Baby Bushka, Fleetwood Max, Electric Waste Band, Oceans, Geezer – plus upcoming tribute schedule
Next Article

Gonzo Report: Half Hour Late lives up to their name at the Template

Deadhead-inflected band right at home in Ocean Beach
Comments
Ask a Hipster — Advice you didn't know you needed Big Screen — Movie commentary Blurt — Music's inside track Booze News — San Diego spirits Classical Music — Immortal beauty Classifieds — Free and easy Cover Stories — Front-page features Drinks All Around — Bartenders' drink recipes Excerpts — Literary and spiritual excerpts Feast! — Food & drink reviews Feature Stories — Local news & stories Fishing Report — What’s getting hooked from ship and shore From the Archives — Spotlight on the past Golden Dreams — Talk of the town The Gonzo Report — Making the musical scene, or at least reporting from it Letters — Our inbox Movies@Home — Local movie buffs share favorites Movie Reviews — Our critics' picks and pans Musician Interviews — Up close with local artists Neighborhood News from Stringers — Hyperlocal news News Ticker — News & politics Obermeyer — San Diego politics illustrated Outdoors — Weekly changes in flora and fauna Overheard in San Diego — Eavesdropping illustrated Poetry — The old and the new Reader Travel — Travel section built by travelers Reading — The hunt for intellectuals Roam-O-Rama — SoCal's best hiking/biking trails San Diego Beer — Inside San Diego suds SD on the QT — Almost factual news Sheep and Goats — Places of worship Special Issues — The best of Street Style — San Diego streets have style Surf Diego — Real stories from those braving the waves Theater — On stage in San Diego this week Tin Fork — Silver spoon alternative Under the Radar — Matt Potter's undercover work Unforgettable — Long-ago San Diego Unreal Estate — San Diego's priciest pads Your Week — Daily event picks
4S Ranch Allied Gardens Alpine Baja Balboa Park Bankers Hill Barrio Logan Bay Ho Bay Park Black Mountain Ranch Blossom Valley Bonita Bonsall Borrego Springs Boulevard Campo Cardiff-by-the-Sea Carlsbad Carmel Mountain Carmel Valley Chollas View Chula Vista City College City Heights Clairemont College Area Coronado CSU San Marcos Cuyamaca College Del Cerro Del Mar Descanso Downtown San Diego Eastlake East Village El Cajon Emerald Hills Encanto Encinitas Escondido Fallbrook Fletcher Hills Golden Hill Grant Hill Grantville Grossmont College Guatay Harbor Island Hillcrest Imperial Beach Imperial Valley Jacumba Jamacha-Lomita Jamul Julian Kearny Mesa Kensington La Jolla Lakeside La Mesa Lemon Grove Leucadia Liberty Station Lincoln Acres Lincoln Park Linda Vista Little Italy Logan Heights Mesa College Midway District MiraCosta College Miramar Miramar College Mira Mesa Mission Beach Mission Hills Mission Valley Mountain View Mount Hope Mount Laguna National City Nestor Normal Heights North Park Oak Park Ocean Beach Oceanside Old Town Otay Mesa Pacific Beach Pala Palomar College Palomar Mountain Paradise Hills Pauma Valley Pine Valley Point Loma Point Loma Nazarene Potrero Poway Rainbow Ramona Rancho Bernardo Rancho Penasquitos Rancho San Diego Rancho Santa Fe Rolando San Carlos San Marcos San Onofre Santa Ysabel Santee San Ysidro Scripps Ranch SDSU Serra Mesa Shelltown Shelter Island Sherman Heights Skyline Solana Beach Sorrento Valley Southcrest South Park Southwestern College Spring Valley Stockton Talmadge Temecula Tierrasanta Tijuana UCSD University City University Heights USD Valencia Park Valley Center Vista Warner Springs
Close

Anchor ads are not supported on this page.