Foreign Sports Edition

I’m busy, you’re busy, nobody wants to rip a month out of a busy life watching foreign-made sports on American TV. I’m talking about World Cup soccer, known to American sports consumers as men-in-short-shorts-fetishizing-a-pockmarked-ball-while-prancing-about-in-what-could-have-been-a-perfectly-serviceable-NFL-stadium. Still, the Box is a sports column of record, and therefore, has a duty to cover all sports...even ones favored by alien outsiders.

Not to worry, I’ve found a balance between hard-hitting sports news and meeting the news needs Sporting Box regulars demand. Think fortuitous — nay, think inspired — blending of soul-crushing responsibility and dirt-cheap technology. Think exquisite mixing of overripe tofu and bacon wrapped parfait de foie gras, of prune juice and warm Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer, of wrecking-yard crankshafts and Al Jolson singing, “Is It True What They Say About Dixie?” Believe it.

So then, take a seat, settle in, and remember to pass the whiskey bottle counterclockwise. Comfortable? All right, with your kind permission I hereby present a Sporting Box world-premiere newscast, introducing — ta-dah! — the 2010 World Cup as told by tweets:

Alicia Keys: AT THE WORLD CUP GAME 1 S.A. SET IT OFF TODAY WHEWWWWWW!!!!!!

ArsenalDotCom: World Cup: Paddy Power will refund losing bets on England v USA if Rooney scores!

Posted after USA ties England 1-1:

EthicalSlut: Watched the England/USA game tonight. Sorry. All I could focus on was how fuckable the American Captain looked.

SPORTSbyBROOKS: England national telecast missed Brits 1st goal vs USA. UK bookmakers actually laid odds that it’d happen.

50cent: RT @ HYPERLINK “/DJWhooKid” DJWhooKid: Its like fcking 115 degrees in Las Vegas — damn!!!!

Posted after Germany walks over Australia 4–0:

Cococorinners: Fuck you. I hate you Germany. I never want to visit your country. I bet it’s shit.

JonahFisher: Girl in front of me is blowing vuvuzela and has earplugs in. Strikes me as rather unfair.

sugabrown29: I am naming my next child Vuvuzela.

50cent: RT @TonyYayo: Houston Get Ready!! Get ur Tickets NOW to see me @50cent and the UNIT LIVE @ the Arena Theater Tomorrow!

Posted after the Netherlands beat Denmark 2–0:

Ardiningrum: Oh. God...thanks for your bless to the Dustch team being the winner...Chayo Fifa World Cup...hahaha.

Posted during the Japan-Cameroon game:

ReneeEverett: What’s up with all those empty seats? #cmr #jpn game?

50cent: This is fire!! Its the Unit! RT @Lloydbanks: Check out my new single!! “Any Girl” Feat.

Commentary:

cboulanger: @pcarusoinc: soccer is a massive inferiority complex. Only reason rest of world “pretends” to like that garbage is because USA sucks at it.

Posted during the Paraguay-Italy contest:

angelcampo: Lets go paraguay today i go to work that sucks jeeje iam tired i need vacation.

Management announcements:

IQSPORTS: World Cup issues official healthy guidelines for soccer fans. Have no more than 1 or 2 units of alcohol twice a week and don’t get drunk.

Heartfelt commentary:

Dbfuturist42: Gearing up for my first #worldcup match. Be gentle...

CdotS12: Still not a huge fan of soccer but the World Cup is kind of #dope. I take back my World Cup tweets from before.

greatbarstoolio: What the HELL happened to Catherine Zeta-Jones’ face? Sweating profusely, can’t move her eyes, and singing about clowns. This: terrifying.

CasualHoya: GOOD GOD THIS SPORT IS SO BORING.

Comments

Well, obviously one needs appreciation for soccer for it to be entertaining. How?

The first thing I would say is that you have to understand that in soccer, its not assured that anyone will score a goal. The most difficult thing in sports is not to hit the pitched ball, its to score a goal in soccer.

That being the case, the next thing you really need to realize, Mr. Daugherty, is that scoring in soccer takes teamwork. Therein lies the rub. Soccer know nots do not watch the ball move up the field, nor appreciate the extraordinary athletic skill that it takes, simply by not appreciating the beautiful sport.

Certain people prefer to say 'I'll just dis it', because I don't understand it. But what's worse, some Americans with a variety of sports to choose from, an overload really, prefer to dis soccer as some sort of fake nativist sentiment- the narrative in this case is clear-

The rest of the world appreciates soccer uniquely as the greatest of all sports. Therefore, I will criticize it, not understanding it anyway, and as an American I will separate myself from the rest of the world.

At this point, the question becomes- 'Do you really believe your own bulls***? Or do you think that the entire planet is somehow so IQ lacking, whereas you are not?'

This is the question.

There is another question.

If I'm an American, and I dig soccer, does this make me lesser than you?

There is another question.

Did you see Donovans most recent goal?

If no, then enjoy:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UmZno9wyEys

USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!

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