Anchor ads are not supported on this page.

4S Ranch Allied Gardens Alpine Baja Balboa Park Bankers Hill Barrio Logan Bay Ho Bay Park Black Mountain Ranch Blossom Valley Bonita Bonsall Borrego Springs Boulevard Campo Cardiff-by-the-Sea Carlsbad Carmel Mountain Carmel Valley Chollas View Chula Vista City College City Heights Clairemont College Area Coronado CSU San Marcos Cuyamaca College Del Cerro Del Mar Descanso Downtown San Diego Eastlake East Village El Cajon Emerald Hills Encanto Encinitas Escondido Fallbrook Fletcher Hills Golden Hill Grant Hill Grantville Grossmont College Guatay Harbor Island Hillcrest Imperial Beach Imperial Valley Jacumba Jamacha-Lomita Jamul Julian Kearny Mesa Kensington La Jolla Lakeside La Mesa Lemon Grove Leucadia Liberty Station Lincoln Acres Lincoln Park Linda Vista Little Italy Logan Heights Mesa College Midway District MiraCosta College Miramar Miramar College Mira Mesa Mission Beach Mission Hills Mission Valley Mountain View Mount Hope Mount Laguna National City Nestor Normal Heights North Park Oak Park Ocean Beach Oceanside Old Town Otay Mesa Pacific Beach Pala Palomar College Palomar Mountain Paradise Hills Pauma Valley Pine Valley Point Loma Point Loma Nazarene Potrero Poway Rainbow Ramona Rancho Bernardo Rancho Penasquitos Rancho San Diego Rancho Santa Fe Rolando San Carlos San Marcos San Onofre Santa Ysabel Santee San Ysidro Scripps Ranch SDSU Serra Mesa Shelltown Shelter Island Sherman Heights Skyline Solana Beach Sorrento Valley Southcrest South Park Southwestern College Spring Valley Stockton Talmadge Temecula Tierrasanta Tijuana UCSD University City University Heights USD Valencia Park Valley Center Vista Warner Springs

Shrek You!

A nation doesn’t leap off of a cliff and fall into chaos; it slides over the course of months. In 2001, Argentina started that slide.

By 2002, the price of food had rocketed 200 times higher, unemployment forced angry young men to embrace thievery, cops took bribes to feed their families, universities emptied, and regular people — people with jobs and spouses — carried handguns to get water and gas.

The Argentineans can point to a day when the slide started; they call it “1:1 Day.” It’s the day their government linked the Argentine peso to the American dollar — one peso for one dollar. It was a bad decision in a long line of bad financial decisions, and it marked the beginning of the drift into anarchy.

A popular metaphor for easing into unfamiliar surroundings involves a frog and boiling water. I’ve never done it, but I’ve heard that if you set a frog in a pot on a range and slowly turn the heat up, the frog won’t hop out, even to the point of boiling. The frog simply acclimates itself. This is what happened in Argentina. Motorcycle gangs with tacky mohawks and sawed-off shotguns didn’t begin terrorizing the cities on “1:1 Day,” but a year later, architects, professors, mechanics, doctors, and carpenters thought nothing of tucking a 9mm pistol into their pocket before walking to a local black market to buy razors and medicine. They acclimated.

Today, Fox News, Meet the Press, Late Edition on CNN, and every news hour in every city brimmed with reported that the Senate and House approved a $14 billion bailout for the American auto industry. This is months after legislation provided 700 billion dollars to rich men who ran Ponzi schemes and got caught with their fingers in their bellybuttons — a bad decision in a long line of bad decisions, starting with the day we invaded Iraq for no good goddamn reason.

While I’m sitting here watching coverage of the financial crisis, waiting for a sign that tells me this is our “1:1 Day,” I received a text from a friend: “Fight on my street last night. Shots fired at 2 a.m. Police here.”

There’s a pawnshop on El Cajon Boulevard that sells 9mm pistols for $350. I’m not sure if our “1:1 Day” came or not, or if it will come. In any scenario, I’ve got a few months. I better start acclimating.

WHAT I WILL AND WON'T WATCH THIS WEEK

Sponsored
Sponsored

Thursday, December 18
Walker, Texas Ranger
USA 9:00 a.m.

Marketing of toilet paper is less than useless. Toilet paper shouldn’t be rated in the “soft,” “softer,” “softest” manner. I don’t cuddle a roll to help me sleep. It should be rated according to texture; obviously, the leastexpensive brands should be rated as “Chuck Norris’s beard.”

Grey’s Anatomy
ABC 9:00 p.m.

I’ve never seen the show, but I’m familiar with the nicknames “Dr. McSteamy” and so forth. I’m telling you right now, nobody who looks like Patrick Dempsey works at the Hillcrest ER. There was, however, one “Dr. McMorbidlyobese,” a “Dr. McMiddleagedlesbian,” and a “nurse McButterface.”

Friday, December 19
Supernanny
ABC 9:00 p.m.

As has been discussed here before, I don’t play an instrument, but I’m very good at choosing band names. My latest theoretical band name is “Supernanny and the Bingo Wings.”

Saturday, December 20
Animal Exploration with Jarod Miller
KUSI 12:30 p.m.

A friend recently told me that the only way to release a pitbull’s jaw from clamping down on something (say, another dog or your ankle) was to jam your thumb up its butt. I’m not going to write a joke down for that one. I’ll just let that bit of information sit with you for a minute and allow the questions to roll around in your head. Yes, you read correctly. Pitbull. Your thumb. Its butt.

WWE Tribute to the Troops
NBC 9:00 p.m.

With all of these tributes to the troops, do you think they ever have that “gee, thanks” reaction that you have when someone buys you something impractical and mostly unwanted. As if you just received a sculpture of Dick Cheney in tofu. “Wow, we’re being shot at in the desert and you flew in 30 gigantic oily men who want to wrap their hairless legs around each other’s heads. Sweet. You know what we really like? Candy bars and dirty magazines. But, no, this is cool too, I guess.”

Sunday, December 21
Will You Kill for Me: Charles Manson and His Followers
MSNBC 8:00 p.m.

It’s a shame that previous cult leaders have only been interested in killing. I think they missed out on quite an opportunity. I mean, here is this group of people that will do anything for you, and you chose “kill” instead of the more comical options of “Feed each other grapes using only your toes” or “Come here, smell this. Get down in there and smell it! HA HA HA! Smell that! Woo!”

Monday, December 22
Shrek the Halls
ABC 8:00 p.m.

Shrek this, you Shrekin’ Shreks. Sick of this Shrek. Try to foist this Shrek on us constantly... It’s not funny, it’s not entertaining; in fact, it’s just pandering, trendy Shrek. Shrekin’ Shrek. Shrek you.

Tuesday, December 23
Dr. Seuss’s How the Grinch Stole Christmas
ABC 8:00 p.m.

Look alive, people! This is not a drill! This does not involve Jim Carrey or bad writing from that ginger kid on Happy Days. This is the genuine article! Yes, it will be as good as you remember. Let’s go! Move! Move! Move! Not a drill! There are tiny Whos involved here! This is going to be wonderful!

Wednesday, December 24
Cox Presents the Nutcracker Ballet
CA4SD 8:30 p.m.

Followed by...

Yule Log
CA4SD 10:00 p.m.

Oh, come on. “Cox,” “nutcracker,” “yule log,” all on the same night. Now you’re just doing this on purpose.

Thursday, December 25
No jokes for this one, folks. Good night. Be well. Do good work. Your friend, Ollie.

Here's something you might be interested in.
Submit a free classified
or view all
Previous article

Melissa Etheridge, The Imaginary Amazon

Events April 1-April 3, 2024

A nation doesn’t leap off of a cliff and fall into chaos; it slides over the course of months. In 2001, Argentina started that slide.

By 2002, the price of food had rocketed 200 times higher, unemployment forced angry young men to embrace thievery, cops took bribes to feed their families, universities emptied, and regular people — people with jobs and spouses — carried handguns to get water and gas.

The Argentineans can point to a day when the slide started; they call it “1:1 Day.” It’s the day their government linked the Argentine peso to the American dollar — one peso for one dollar. It was a bad decision in a long line of bad financial decisions, and it marked the beginning of the drift into anarchy.

A popular metaphor for easing into unfamiliar surroundings involves a frog and boiling water. I’ve never done it, but I’ve heard that if you set a frog in a pot on a range and slowly turn the heat up, the frog won’t hop out, even to the point of boiling. The frog simply acclimates itself. This is what happened in Argentina. Motorcycle gangs with tacky mohawks and sawed-off shotguns didn’t begin terrorizing the cities on “1:1 Day,” but a year later, architects, professors, mechanics, doctors, and carpenters thought nothing of tucking a 9mm pistol into their pocket before walking to a local black market to buy razors and medicine. They acclimated.

Today, Fox News, Meet the Press, Late Edition on CNN, and every news hour in every city brimmed with reported that the Senate and House approved a $14 billion bailout for the American auto industry. This is months after legislation provided 700 billion dollars to rich men who ran Ponzi schemes and got caught with their fingers in their bellybuttons — a bad decision in a long line of bad decisions, starting with the day we invaded Iraq for no good goddamn reason.

While I’m sitting here watching coverage of the financial crisis, waiting for a sign that tells me this is our “1:1 Day,” I received a text from a friend: “Fight on my street last night. Shots fired at 2 a.m. Police here.”

There’s a pawnshop on El Cajon Boulevard that sells 9mm pistols for $350. I’m not sure if our “1:1 Day” came or not, or if it will come. In any scenario, I’ve got a few months. I better start acclimating.

WHAT I WILL AND WON'T WATCH THIS WEEK

Sponsored
Sponsored

Thursday, December 18
Walker, Texas Ranger
USA 9:00 a.m.

Marketing of toilet paper is less than useless. Toilet paper shouldn’t be rated in the “soft,” “softer,” “softest” manner. I don’t cuddle a roll to help me sleep. It should be rated according to texture; obviously, the leastexpensive brands should be rated as “Chuck Norris’s beard.”

Grey’s Anatomy
ABC 9:00 p.m.

I’ve never seen the show, but I’m familiar with the nicknames “Dr. McSteamy” and so forth. I’m telling you right now, nobody who looks like Patrick Dempsey works at the Hillcrest ER. There was, however, one “Dr. McMorbidlyobese,” a “Dr. McMiddleagedlesbian,” and a “nurse McButterface.”

Friday, December 19
Supernanny
ABC 9:00 p.m.

As has been discussed here before, I don’t play an instrument, but I’m very good at choosing band names. My latest theoretical band name is “Supernanny and the Bingo Wings.”

Saturday, December 20
Animal Exploration with Jarod Miller
KUSI 12:30 p.m.

A friend recently told me that the only way to release a pitbull’s jaw from clamping down on something (say, another dog or your ankle) was to jam your thumb up its butt. I’m not going to write a joke down for that one. I’ll just let that bit of information sit with you for a minute and allow the questions to roll around in your head. Yes, you read correctly. Pitbull. Your thumb. Its butt.

WWE Tribute to the Troops
NBC 9:00 p.m.

With all of these tributes to the troops, do you think they ever have that “gee, thanks” reaction that you have when someone buys you something impractical and mostly unwanted. As if you just received a sculpture of Dick Cheney in tofu. “Wow, we’re being shot at in the desert and you flew in 30 gigantic oily men who want to wrap their hairless legs around each other’s heads. Sweet. You know what we really like? Candy bars and dirty magazines. But, no, this is cool too, I guess.”

Sunday, December 21
Will You Kill for Me: Charles Manson and His Followers
MSNBC 8:00 p.m.

It’s a shame that previous cult leaders have only been interested in killing. I think they missed out on quite an opportunity. I mean, here is this group of people that will do anything for you, and you chose “kill” instead of the more comical options of “Feed each other grapes using only your toes” or “Come here, smell this. Get down in there and smell it! HA HA HA! Smell that! Woo!”

Monday, December 22
Shrek the Halls
ABC 8:00 p.m.

Shrek this, you Shrekin’ Shreks. Sick of this Shrek. Try to foist this Shrek on us constantly... It’s not funny, it’s not entertaining; in fact, it’s just pandering, trendy Shrek. Shrekin’ Shrek. Shrek you.

Tuesday, December 23
Dr. Seuss’s How the Grinch Stole Christmas
ABC 8:00 p.m.

Look alive, people! This is not a drill! This does not involve Jim Carrey or bad writing from that ginger kid on Happy Days. This is the genuine article! Yes, it will be as good as you remember. Let’s go! Move! Move! Move! Not a drill! There are tiny Whos involved here! This is going to be wonderful!

Wednesday, December 24
Cox Presents the Nutcracker Ballet
CA4SD 8:30 p.m.

Followed by...

Yule Log
CA4SD 10:00 p.m.

Oh, come on. “Cox,” “nutcracker,” “yule log,” all on the same night. Now you’re just doing this on purpose.

Thursday, December 25
No jokes for this one, folks. Good night. Be well. Do good work. Your friend, Ollie.

Comments
Sponsored
Here's something you might be interested in.
Submit a free classified
or view all
Previous article

Top Websites To Buy Instagram Likes + Bonus Tip!

Next Article

Didja know I did the first American feature on Jimi Hendrix?

Richard Meltzer goes through the Germs, Blue Oyster Cult, Ray Charles, Elvis, Lavender Hill Mob
Comments
Ask a Hipster — Advice you didn't know you needed Big Screen — Movie commentary Blurt — Music's inside track Booze News — San Diego spirits Classical Music — Immortal beauty Classifieds — Free and easy Cover Stories — Front-page features Drinks All Around — Bartenders' drink recipes Excerpts — Literary and spiritual excerpts Feast! — Food & drink reviews Feature Stories — Local news & stories Fishing Report — What’s getting hooked from ship and shore From the Archives — Spotlight on the past Golden Dreams — Talk of the town The Gonzo Report — Making the musical scene, or at least reporting from it Letters — Our inbox Movies@Home — Local movie buffs share favorites Movie Reviews — Our critics' picks and pans Musician Interviews — Up close with local artists Neighborhood News from Stringers — Hyperlocal news News Ticker — News & politics Obermeyer — San Diego politics illustrated Outdoors — Weekly changes in flora and fauna Overheard in San Diego — Eavesdropping illustrated Poetry — The old and the new Reader Travel — Travel section built by travelers Reading — The hunt for intellectuals Roam-O-Rama — SoCal's best hiking/biking trails San Diego Beer — Inside San Diego suds SD on the QT — Almost factual news Sheep and Goats — Places of worship Special Issues — The best of Street Style — San Diego streets have style Surf Diego — Real stories from those braving the waves Theater — On stage in San Diego this week Tin Fork — Silver spoon alternative Under the Radar — Matt Potter's undercover work Unforgettable — Long-ago San Diego Unreal Estate — San Diego's priciest pads Your Week — Daily event picks
4S Ranch Allied Gardens Alpine Baja Balboa Park Bankers Hill Barrio Logan Bay Ho Bay Park Black Mountain Ranch Blossom Valley Bonita Bonsall Borrego Springs Boulevard Campo Cardiff-by-the-Sea Carlsbad Carmel Mountain Carmel Valley Chollas View Chula Vista City College City Heights Clairemont College Area Coronado CSU San Marcos Cuyamaca College Del Cerro Del Mar Descanso Downtown San Diego Eastlake East Village El Cajon Emerald Hills Encanto Encinitas Escondido Fallbrook Fletcher Hills Golden Hill Grant Hill Grantville Grossmont College Guatay Harbor Island Hillcrest Imperial Beach Imperial Valley Jacumba Jamacha-Lomita Jamul Julian Kearny Mesa Kensington La Jolla Lakeside La Mesa Lemon Grove Leucadia Liberty Station Lincoln Acres Lincoln Park Linda Vista Little Italy Logan Heights Mesa College Midway District MiraCosta College Miramar Miramar College Mira Mesa Mission Beach Mission Hills Mission Valley Mountain View Mount Hope Mount Laguna National City Nestor Normal Heights North Park Oak Park Ocean Beach Oceanside Old Town Otay Mesa Pacific Beach Pala Palomar College Palomar Mountain Paradise Hills Pauma Valley Pine Valley Point Loma Point Loma Nazarene Potrero Poway Rainbow Ramona Rancho Bernardo Rancho Penasquitos Rancho San Diego Rancho Santa Fe Rolando San Carlos San Marcos San Onofre Santa Ysabel Santee San Ysidro Scripps Ranch SDSU Serra Mesa Shelltown Shelter Island Sherman Heights Skyline Solana Beach Sorrento Valley Southcrest South Park Southwestern College Spring Valley Stockton Talmadge Temecula Tierrasanta Tijuana UCSD University City University Heights USD Valencia Park Valley Center Vista Warner Springs
Close

Anchor ads are not supported on this page.