Anchor ads are not supported on this page.

4S Ranch Allied Gardens Alpine Baja Balboa Park Bankers Hill Barrio Logan Bay Ho Bay Park Black Mountain Ranch Blossom Valley Bonita Bonsall Borrego Springs Boulevard Campo Cardiff-by-the-Sea Carlsbad Carmel Mountain Carmel Valley Chollas View Chula Vista City College City Heights Clairemont College Area Coronado CSU San Marcos Cuyamaca College Del Cerro Del Mar Descanso Downtown San Diego Eastlake East Village El Cajon Emerald Hills Encanto Encinitas Escondido Fallbrook Fletcher Hills Golden Hill Grant Hill Grantville Grossmont College Guatay Harbor Island Hillcrest Imperial Beach Imperial Valley Jacumba Jamacha-Lomita Jamul Julian Kearny Mesa Kensington La Jolla Lakeside La Mesa Lemon Grove Leucadia Liberty Station Lincoln Acres Lincoln Park Linda Vista Little Italy Logan Heights Mesa College Midway District MiraCosta College Miramar Miramar College Mira Mesa Mission Beach Mission Hills Mission Valley Mountain View Mount Hope Mount Laguna National City Nestor Normal Heights North Park Oak Park Ocean Beach Oceanside Old Town Otay Mesa Pacific Beach Pala Palomar College Palomar Mountain Paradise Hills Pauma Valley Pine Valley Point Loma Point Loma Nazarene Potrero Poway Rainbow Ramona Rancho Bernardo Rancho Penasquitos Rancho San Diego Rancho Santa Fe Rolando San Carlos San Marcos San Onofre Santa Ysabel Santee San Ysidro Scripps Ranch SDSU Serra Mesa Shelltown Shelter Island Sherman Heights Skyline Solana Beach Sorrento Valley Southcrest South Park Southwestern College Spring Valley Stockton Talmadge Temecula Tierrasanta Tijuana UCSD University City University Heights USD Valencia Park Valley Center Vista Warner Springs

Kendra Wiseman in Beijing

Add To Cart

As I clicked on the "Place Your Order" button, having once again spent more money on Amazon than I make in a week, I realized I didn't care. Because I am getting books. Deliciously bad books, the reviews say. If I end up destitute, selling potatoes roasted in a rusty barrel, it will not matter, because I will be the most obnoxiously well-read roasted potato vendor in Beijing, and all anyone wants out of life is a little originality.This was an Internet-driven downward spiral, wherein I started out looking at Listology.com , or whatever it's called, and found a list entitled "1001 Books You Should Read Before You Die," which was translated in my feeble mind as "1001 Books That You Have to Order Right Fucking Now, Because You Could Get Hit by a Bus Tomorrow Morning, And You'll Be Bored in the Hospital, So Go Get the Goddamn Debit Card, Kendra."

Among a Mongol horde of other things, I ordered Sexing the Cherry immediately after reading the review. Especially the part where it said, "But the novel's freakish characters and flights of surreal fancy are insufficient to redeem its overwrought artifice. The work is further limited by its stridently dogmatic feminism, which, contemptuously belittling all men as arrogantly stupid bullies who are vastly women's inferiors in maturity and moral fiber, vitiates its ostensible intent to transcend the narrowness of human perception."

Sponsored
Sponsored

Yes, please. Proceed to checkout.

Living in China makes you desperate for books. Like, two-seconds-after-you-realize-you-lost-your-wallet desperate. About three years ago, stuck in a 95 percent male-infested dormitory in the middle of a cornfield in Jilin Province, my only literary diversion for three months having been pictures of Chairman Mao in an agricultural calendar circa 1969, I finally bit the bullet and ordered Bust Guide to the New Girl Order, based solely on the strength of its screaming protest-placard of a title. I was not disappointed. I was so not disappointed that I was considering going down on the entirety of the international postal service. But after handing out various, poignantly highlighted pages as Spring Festival presents (oh, sweet, sweet revenge), I was totally out of rabid prose.

There's a couple of English-language bookstores around town, so just when you think you can't possibly sink any lower, you can sidle in there and buy romance novels and financial how-to books that you stuff into a brown paper bag while shooting furtive, guilty looks at the cashier. This invariably leads to one of two gradual adjustments in attitude: in-your-face belligerence about reading this stuff in public or buying academic treatises to serve as a sort of mortification-deflecting book jacket for all the smut you're guzzling.

You start thinking things like, "Is Gortavia going to bend Heraldus to her will with her grandmother's hypnotic topaz heirloom in the next chapter or do I have to wait another 40 pages for them to ravish each other?" Torture increases victims' pain tolerance, studies show.

Oh, what, you'd never touch that filth? Goody. You're in for great titles like, Thirty-Two Great Investment Options for the Aging Spa Owner , Recycle Your Recycled Recyclables! and Interviews from the Throat: China's Top Cough-Syrup Tycoons Tell It Like It Is . Knock yourself out. Before you can say "hypocrite," you will be hiding a Danielle Steel cocooned within White Papers of the Chinese Government and protecting it like it's a kitten with a broken leg. Two broken legs. Because the second you let that cute European dude at the taxi stand read the back cover, he's sprinting off down Jianguomen Outer Street waving it over his head and screaming, "It's in English! It's in Eeeengggliiiisssh! Buahahah!"

Anyway, I'd like to avoid making a huge advertisement about Amazon. But I can't. They're awesome. And until you've had a haggard old woman wrapped in a People's Army greatcoat deliver you a package of Irvine Welsh in the middle of Siberian winter, you're categorically unqualified to talk about it.

Now, listen closely, because you'll never, ever hear me say this again: sometimes I hate the Internet. I don't have a lot I get to brag about, so most of the time I have to make myself sound literary. And there I am, scrolling down this monstrous thing, ticking off the ones I've read, and I'm going, "Nope, nope, nope. I haven't even heard of most of these," and I'm wondering how uneducated that should make me feel. Only after I closed the window did it occur to me that whoever wrote that list is just some guy, and Michael Marshal Smith wasn't even on it, so who the hell does he think he is, anyway?

Some guy who guilted me into spending my month's savings on stuff I could have stolen at various taxi stands, that's who. Some guy, if your 5000 PhDs have yet to land you a job worthy of your skills, there's a pro-life fundraising department somewhere with your name on it. You bastard.

In other news, Kyle just told me what he wants for Christmas. So if any of you are sitting on a pink or purple (some combination thereof also acceptable) pony that's 20 centimeters at the shoulder, drop me a line. Oh, and it should talk, eat cigarette butts, and poop hallucinogenic gumdrops. Thanks.

http://barelytzu.diaryland.com

Here's something you might be interested in.
Submit a free classified
or view all
Previous article

Top Websites To Buy Instagram Likes + Bonus Tip!

Next Article

Gonzo Report: Half Hour Late lives up to their name at the Template

Deadhead-inflected band right at home in Ocean Beach

Add To Cart

As I clicked on the "Place Your Order" button, having once again spent more money on Amazon than I make in a week, I realized I didn't care. Because I am getting books. Deliciously bad books, the reviews say. If I end up destitute, selling potatoes roasted in a rusty barrel, it will not matter, because I will be the most obnoxiously well-read roasted potato vendor in Beijing, and all anyone wants out of life is a little originality.This was an Internet-driven downward spiral, wherein I started out looking at Listology.com , or whatever it's called, and found a list entitled "1001 Books You Should Read Before You Die," which was translated in my feeble mind as "1001 Books That You Have to Order Right Fucking Now, Because You Could Get Hit by a Bus Tomorrow Morning, And You'll Be Bored in the Hospital, So Go Get the Goddamn Debit Card, Kendra."

Among a Mongol horde of other things, I ordered Sexing the Cherry immediately after reading the review. Especially the part where it said, "But the novel's freakish characters and flights of surreal fancy are insufficient to redeem its overwrought artifice. The work is further limited by its stridently dogmatic feminism, which, contemptuously belittling all men as arrogantly stupid bullies who are vastly women's inferiors in maturity and moral fiber, vitiates its ostensible intent to transcend the narrowness of human perception."

Sponsored
Sponsored

Yes, please. Proceed to checkout.

Living in China makes you desperate for books. Like, two-seconds-after-you-realize-you-lost-your-wallet desperate. About three years ago, stuck in a 95 percent male-infested dormitory in the middle of a cornfield in Jilin Province, my only literary diversion for three months having been pictures of Chairman Mao in an agricultural calendar circa 1969, I finally bit the bullet and ordered Bust Guide to the New Girl Order, based solely on the strength of its screaming protest-placard of a title. I was not disappointed. I was so not disappointed that I was considering going down on the entirety of the international postal service. But after handing out various, poignantly highlighted pages as Spring Festival presents (oh, sweet, sweet revenge), I was totally out of rabid prose.

There's a couple of English-language bookstores around town, so just when you think you can't possibly sink any lower, you can sidle in there and buy romance novels and financial how-to books that you stuff into a brown paper bag while shooting furtive, guilty looks at the cashier. This invariably leads to one of two gradual adjustments in attitude: in-your-face belligerence about reading this stuff in public or buying academic treatises to serve as a sort of mortification-deflecting book jacket for all the smut you're guzzling.

You start thinking things like, "Is Gortavia going to bend Heraldus to her will with her grandmother's hypnotic topaz heirloom in the next chapter or do I have to wait another 40 pages for them to ravish each other?" Torture increases victims' pain tolerance, studies show.

Oh, what, you'd never touch that filth? Goody. You're in for great titles like, Thirty-Two Great Investment Options for the Aging Spa Owner , Recycle Your Recycled Recyclables! and Interviews from the Throat: China's Top Cough-Syrup Tycoons Tell It Like It Is . Knock yourself out. Before you can say "hypocrite," you will be hiding a Danielle Steel cocooned within White Papers of the Chinese Government and protecting it like it's a kitten with a broken leg. Two broken legs. Because the second you let that cute European dude at the taxi stand read the back cover, he's sprinting off down Jianguomen Outer Street waving it over his head and screaming, "It's in English! It's in Eeeengggliiiisssh! Buahahah!"

Anyway, I'd like to avoid making a huge advertisement about Amazon. But I can't. They're awesome. And until you've had a haggard old woman wrapped in a People's Army greatcoat deliver you a package of Irvine Welsh in the middle of Siberian winter, you're categorically unqualified to talk about it.

Now, listen closely, because you'll never, ever hear me say this again: sometimes I hate the Internet. I don't have a lot I get to brag about, so most of the time I have to make myself sound literary. And there I am, scrolling down this monstrous thing, ticking off the ones I've read, and I'm going, "Nope, nope, nope. I haven't even heard of most of these," and I'm wondering how uneducated that should make me feel. Only after I closed the window did it occur to me that whoever wrote that list is just some guy, and Michael Marshal Smith wasn't even on it, so who the hell does he think he is, anyway?

Some guy who guilted me into spending my month's savings on stuff I could have stolen at various taxi stands, that's who. Some guy, if your 5000 PhDs have yet to land you a job worthy of your skills, there's a pro-life fundraising department somewhere with your name on it. You bastard.

In other news, Kyle just told me what he wants for Christmas. So if any of you are sitting on a pink or purple (some combination thereof also acceptable) pony that's 20 centimeters at the shoulder, drop me a line. Oh, and it should talk, eat cigarette butts, and poop hallucinogenic gumdrops. Thanks.

http://barelytzu.diaryland.com

Comments
Sponsored
Here's something you might be interested in.
Submit a free classified
or view all
Previous article

Melissa Etheridge, The Imaginary Amazon

Events April 1-April 3, 2024
Next Article

Flowering pear trees in Kensington not that nice

Empty dirt plots in front of Ken Cinema
Comments
Ask a Hipster — Advice you didn't know you needed Big Screen — Movie commentary Blurt — Music's inside track Booze News — San Diego spirits Classical Music — Immortal beauty Classifieds — Free and easy Cover Stories — Front-page features Drinks All Around — Bartenders' drink recipes Excerpts — Literary and spiritual excerpts Feast! — Food & drink reviews Feature Stories — Local news & stories Fishing Report — What’s getting hooked from ship and shore From the Archives — Spotlight on the past Golden Dreams — Talk of the town The Gonzo Report — Making the musical scene, or at least reporting from it Letters — Our inbox Movies@Home — Local movie buffs share favorites Movie Reviews — Our critics' picks and pans Musician Interviews — Up close with local artists Neighborhood News from Stringers — Hyperlocal news News Ticker — News & politics Obermeyer — San Diego politics illustrated Outdoors — Weekly changes in flora and fauna Overheard in San Diego — Eavesdropping illustrated Poetry — The old and the new Reader Travel — Travel section built by travelers Reading — The hunt for intellectuals Roam-O-Rama — SoCal's best hiking/biking trails San Diego Beer — Inside San Diego suds SD on the QT — Almost factual news Sheep and Goats — Places of worship Special Issues — The best of Street Style — San Diego streets have style Surf Diego — Real stories from those braving the waves Theater — On stage in San Diego this week Tin Fork — Silver spoon alternative Under the Radar — Matt Potter's undercover work Unforgettable — Long-ago San Diego Unreal Estate — San Diego's priciest pads Your Week — Daily event picks
4S Ranch Allied Gardens Alpine Baja Balboa Park Bankers Hill Barrio Logan Bay Ho Bay Park Black Mountain Ranch Blossom Valley Bonita Bonsall Borrego Springs Boulevard Campo Cardiff-by-the-Sea Carlsbad Carmel Mountain Carmel Valley Chollas View Chula Vista City College City Heights Clairemont College Area Coronado CSU San Marcos Cuyamaca College Del Cerro Del Mar Descanso Downtown San Diego Eastlake East Village El Cajon Emerald Hills Encanto Encinitas Escondido Fallbrook Fletcher Hills Golden Hill Grant Hill Grantville Grossmont College Guatay Harbor Island Hillcrest Imperial Beach Imperial Valley Jacumba Jamacha-Lomita Jamul Julian Kearny Mesa Kensington La Jolla Lakeside La Mesa Lemon Grove Leucadia Liberty Station Lincoln Acres Lincoln Park Linda Vista Little Italy Logan Heights Mesa College Midway District MiraCosta College Miramar Miramar College Mira Mesa Mission Beach Mission Hills Mission Valley Mountain View Mount Hope Mount Laguna National City Nestor Normal Heights North Park Oak Park Ocean Beach Oceanside Old Town Otay Mesa Pacific Beach Pala Palomar College Palomar Mountain Paradise Hills Pauma Valley Pine Valley Point Loma Point Loma Nazarene Potrero Poway Rainbow Ramona Rancho Bernardo Rancho Penasquitos Rancho San Diego Rancho Santa Fe Rolando San Carlos San Marcos San Onofre Santa Ysabel Santee San Ysidro Scripps Ranch SDSU Serra Mesa Shelltown Shelter Island Sherman Heights Skyline Solana Beach Sorrento Valley Southcrest South Park Southwestern College Spring Valley Stockton Talmadge Temecula Tierrasanta Tijuana UCSD University City University Heights USD Valencia Park Valley Center Vista Warner Springs
Close

Anchor ads are not supported on this page.